Ice Cold Exterior

Been reflecting, observing and realising that my emotional management is gonna offend a lot of people who do not understand.

It's only recently that I realised, the more emotions I feel, the more cold I appear to be. By nature, I'm a very emotional person, plus the fact that I "feel" people's emotions easily. And God knows when, I've learnt to build a solid wall to dam my emotions. I realised that this is something innate in my mum as well.

I remember years ago when my sis had an accident and a serious head injury. There were no tears, no hysterics, no commotion from either myself or my mum. Both of us appeared cold (or calm), systematic and quiet. Even when the operation were much much much longer than expected, both of us were just sitting at Starbucks reading newspaper. It's not that we did not care or were not worried. The thing is, we're so concerned that we just appeared emotionless.

I remember the time when A were in ICU after the bike accident. This was one incident when my "coldness" almost brought about a very major quarrel. I remembered when I first received the news over phone, the first thing that came to my mind was shock, then extreme anger. I was so worried that I was very angry at him getting into accident. Throughout the few days, I guess I appeared emotionless, just going through the motions of being there for a friend. There was misunderstanding that I was totally unconcerned, totally uncaring. Nobody knew how much fear, worries and concerns I had welling in me. The shock and panick I was feeling, as the doctor went about describing what was going on in his head with all his medical jargons. God! I wish I did not take BioPsych. I understood all the terms he used, and worse, I knew exactly what those brain parts do and how crucial they are. This was one time I realised what a curse knowledge can bring sometimes. The only time this cold exterior wall of mine crumbled was when the doctor announced it would be his last night. Until then, no tears, no emotions shown.

It's not just the sad moments. I remember when ZH, ZM and gang gave me a jacket for my birthday. I was totally touched and happy. It was one of the few birthday presents I received in my 22 years. But... I don't know. I didn't know how to act. I hope I didn't hurt them by my seemingly untouched reaction. Took me a semesterto get over the overwhelmed emotions and to wear the jacket. Before then, I did not bear to wear it, though they kept bugging me about it :P

Last night, saw LH so happy at her birthday party. I guess, if it were me, I'll probably feel as much as her, but appear emotionless again. Try as I might, whenever I get overwhelmed my emotions, the wall just came up. Recently, I received the comment that no matter what I said, my tone conveyed insincerity and defensiveness. I did not know what to say. In my mind, I was like, "if I were not sincere, I would not even have said what I said, or made the efforts". The problem is, I was so worried and concerned that once again, I appeared to be just going through the motions.

It's not that I do not care. It's that I care too much, care so much that I appear that I do not care. Many times, I tried to remove that wall, but whenever I thought I did, actually I didn't. I still appeared to be just following norms and going through the motions. Sigh.