My Walk with Him, chapter 4

The first few hundreds meters were quiet... awkwardly quiet. He didn't seem to be bothered by the silence, but I was. Never much of a conversation-ist, I struggled to find appropriate words. It just didn't seem very nice nor polite to not try to break the ice. But I didn't much much success.

We soon passed a lake. Stunningly beautiful as the water glittered under the rays of the gentle sun. He paused, turned, and smiled.

"Let's take a break here."

Nodded. We moved closer to the lake, and sat on the gentle sloping patch of grass. Another awkward silence.

Finally, he broke the silence, "you know... you don't have to try to please me or behave in any ways to conform to the world's expectation of civility. I am perfectly fine with who you really are, and not who the world thinks you should be."

Not knowing what to say, I just looked at him. I knew what he was saying, but I didn't really understand what he was implying. How could he know who I really am, when I am trying to find myself?

Gently, he took my hand, and led me to the lake. He said softly, "look... and see what people see."

I leaned forward, and saw my own reflection in the water. Puzzled, I frowned, and it frowned back. He passed his hand over my reflection, "and this is what I see..."

The water rippled. My reflection became a blur. Yet, something indescribable happened, for I was mesmerized by the change. My reflection changed in such a way that no words could describe. It became brighter, not in the normal sense, but it felt purer. The new reflection looked very familiar, yet not so... like it's a person I know very intimate yet not so. Looking deeper into it, I felt all the weaknesses and character flaws of this 'person', the hidden scars that nobody see, the darkness tucked away somewhere, the unstable emotions that roller-coastered through... mingled with a special innocence, a childlike dependency, an immeasurable joy, the desire to do good. My heart skipped a beat... I know who she is. That's the me that I seek.

Slowly, the water stilled again. Speechless, a tear flowed. He saw my everything, and yet he wanted to walk with me. He knew me better than I even knew myself, and he saw good beneath the dirt and blood.

Silence wasn't awkward anymore, for I knew with him, I am free.

Stop resisting, and just call Me

Sun baring and wind blowing
Grind my teeth and keep moving on
Keep persevering and don't give up
This motto I chant through and loud

Yet my members just refuse
Continuously complaining and grunting all through
By will I tried to silent them all
But in truth I just succumb to the noise

Stumbling and limping
Worked hard to keep morale high
But a hard fall was just too much
Breath knocked out and tears just flowed

Brought to my knees I finally am
By sheer discipline I tried to stand
Labored on step by step
As I turned and saw you there

Every step was filled with tears
Every step was a big struggle
Yet my feelings and inclinations I can't deny
And all this while you just looked

A downward spiral I can't climb
Want to keep going but just no strength
Guilt and shame just overwhelm
But it's already my best what else is there?

Unable to go further as I crumble
Tempted to just throw the towel and give it up
Fighting the urge to run and hide
Then someone walked towards from afar

Without a word and just a note
Pressed into my hand and soon took off
Desperate for company yet he didn't stay
Alone again I once dismayed

A small thing, white and crisp
Disheartened, slowly I opened it
Neat and beautiful handwriting it just says
"When are you going to stop resisting and just give in?"

Confused I did not understand
I can't give up and let you down
I'm trying my best to conquer it all
Yet it's frustration you have showed

Not knowing what else but look at you
The you who is at the side
Our eyes met and my heart finally touched
Enlightened and encouraged by what you meant

On my knees then I just bowed
Hands trembling and tears pouring forth
Emotions a mess and mind a whirl
In this chaos I'm finally stopped

Lord I'm sorry for my stubbornness and frustrations it caused
Yes at this time I'll just stop resist
Give up trying so freaking hard
To overcome by my might
I simply can't do it by myself
So here I am, broken and unable to walk
My obstinacy, my pains and fears and deepest struggles
I surrender it all at the cross
Lord hear my cries and feel my aches
Help me! I need you!

Bared myself and empty it all
With watery eyes and a throbbing head
I lifted up and just looked up
And there you are, beside with smiles

"Finally my child, you have called.
You've tried too hard to do them all
This road is meant to be walked
By my strength and me by your side."

The need to be understood

I wonder if our strong need to be understood is inherent in our nature as social beings. Emo adolescents cry out about not being understood (esp. by their parents) or do all things to get attention. Even adults in distress, at times when we realize that 'hey, we are not alone in the boat' or just simply that someone understands exactly how I feel/think without even me having to try to convey it through words, we feel much better and able to cope even if the situations have not changed. Many times, for many people including myself, things became bearable when we believe that God understands because He been through exactly it and more.

Many, especially females, will have the frustration of having well-intended friends who gives advice and solutions, when all we need is someone to make us feel that we are not alone in our reactions/feelings/thoughts. More commonly applied to emotional situations, but it can be mental/intellectual as well, the frustration of nobody understanding what you are thinking, perceiving etc. The feeling of talking to an organic wall, because things shared are not 'bounced back' resulting in frustration and desire to just cease communication. On the other hand, the thrill of having somebody who can bounce ideas with you, who can bounce back something before you even finish a sentence/thought.

When God said "It is not good for man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18), it probably has more truth, insights and depths than anyone can imagine.

Unexpected look of understanding

An important lesson learnt today. At times, when it really hurts, what you need is really not a step-by-step guide of how you should get out of it, or why you should learn to move on or it's just part of growing up. It may not even be the words, "Yes I understand."

All it's needed is just a look with a weird kind of smile that says it all. That look of understanding, of empathy, of just saying "yes I know for I am also in the boat". Maybe that's why many times though people say they understand, or even that they know because they came through it, it didn't register into the heart. That look is missing. The way the eyes just speak... it's just not there. Without it, I sincerely just don't feel like you really understand, no matter what you say, even if you've been through it.

When you finally get to see those eyes, it's most often in a place at a time you least expected it. And suddenly, everything just became okay, for there's somebody who truly understands. Just for that few seconds, when the eyes meet, the souls just speak and minister to each other at a level that is beyond human understanding.

Aftermath of my experience today, and all I can do is give thanks. I found God in the most unexpected place at most unexpected time, through the most unexpected person, and I was ministered. He knows exactly what's needed... and provided.

Heart of the father

For the first time in my life
The feelings of a father I finally felt
The unconditional love he freely gives
Together with the mix of emotions that he feels

The unspeakable pride that he feels
As a little being I learnt to step
The graduations of mine as I grew
Even the driving test I passed on first

How I could just melt his heart
As I say with all of mine
Daddy, I love you
And I trust you no matter what

Yet the pain that I have caused
As I slammed the door in his face
Walked out of the house with the words
I'll show you how it's you I do not need

Frustrations boiled as he wringed his hands
The stupid decisions I stubbornly make
Heeding no advice or any pleas
Nothing he can do to get me out

Worrying to no end as he sees
The bad company I have made
Refusing to leave despite the pains
Just continuously broken and badly used

Despite all that I have caused
The door was never locked
His arms always open whenever I turn
Tightly he embraces as I cry

The stars and creations are his to command
Yet he took all pains and grievances readily
Just to hear me say from within my soul
Heavenly Father, I love you so.

My Walk with Him, chapter 3

Time seemed to stop, and yet flew past. Who knew how long we stood there, just waiting for my step of faith. Did I truly know what I was doing? Maybe? Probably not as much as I should. There was uncertainty. There was apprehension. There was fear of being a fool. But truly, what's future if not uncertainty? What's choices and decisions if not steps of faith on one's own judgment (wise or stupid)?

A strange, yet not totally unpleasant, feeling resonated within me as he spoke. My heart said he was genuine. Yet, true to character, my mind as the forever skeptic rained warnings and doubts. I looked at the other paths, and then at the one he pointed... one looked the same as the other, yet there's the one that held a promise (plausible?) of friendship and companionship.

Deciding to follow the small voice of my heart, I took a deep breath, looked at him... "Okay, let's go."  With those words, I took my first step with one who would change every aspect of me forever, from inside out.