Restlessness with no peace

Standing at the fork
Back turned, eyes to the past
Obstacles there have been
But a straight road it always been.

Journey was simple
Just keep walking
Just keep pushing
No sudden turns, no major decisions.

Chills and anxiety
The unknown lies ahead
A seemingly fork
And a heavy fog that blinds the ways.

The one path I've always desired
Yet the one with heaviest toll
Am I capable of proving my worth
To take this highway that's my dream.

Another straight road the other is
Yet a very scary path it seems to me
My very heart rebels against it
But what if the choice is no longer mine.

Wanting to believe in my Purpose
But thousands "what-if" continue to flood
Constant restlessness with no peace
Oh God, grant me certainty into my dream.

Quote

"Love all, Trust a few, Do wrong by none."
- William Shakespeare


"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still."


"The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love, and to be greater than our suffering."


Albert Einstein asked, "The question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or the others crazy?"


"It has been said, 'Time heals all wounds'
I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time the mind protecting insanity, covers them in scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone."
- Rose Kennedy


"Sometimes what we don`t do is every bit as powerful as what we do."


"Let your heart feel for the affliction and distress of everyone."
- George Washington


"Within the core of each of us is the child we once were. This child constitutes the foundation of what we have become, who we are, and what we will be."
Neuroscientist Dr. R. Joseph

How do you know?

During one of my karate classes, one of the dojo kids pointed to the sky, and said that's a satellite.

I asked, "how do you know"?
He said, "it's not blinking. So it's a satellite."
"Why must a satellite not blink? Maybe it's a planet or a plane?"
"Only satellite doesn't blink."
"And how do you know? Planes in the sky also doesn't blink. Why must a star blink?"
"Even my teacher says that's a satellite."
"And how do you know your teacher is right?"
"She's a teacher."
"Maybe your teacher is wrong?"

And he chose to ignore me, in utter frustration. Ah... the mind of a ten year old boy. Hehe.

Food for relationships

Sometimes, I really don't understand some people. Well, I do, yet I don't.

This is especially true for the young people today. They are forever complaining that their familial relationships are bad, relationship with mothers are bad, mothers don't understand them etc. I get really annoyed at times, because most of the time, they're just wallowing in self-pity, and not doing anything about it at all.

Relationships take time and constant efforts to nurture & maintain. How to have good relationships when the kid takes the 'home' as a hotel, the mother as a free maid who washes his/her clothes & gives pocket money. And when the kid is finally home, he/she shuts him/herself in the room, on internet, rather talking *virtually* with friends rather than face-to-face with parents. Then come and whine about bad relationships with the mother. How much time have you taken to understand your parents? To just take the time, and sit down for an hour everyday with her to watch the television. There doesn't even need to be conversations. Sure. Suggest that to the kid, and he/she will loudly declare it'll never work, without even trying. Or claim that it has been tried, when in reality, he/she only did it once or twice without maintaining the efforts. Such lack of determination and perseverance to make things better, and yet forever complaining like he/she is the worst off in the universe. If that's not self pity, what is?

"Honor thy parents". I wonder if people even truly know what it means. "Yah I honor them but I can't stand them". Forget it. To honor is to respect, to obey, to take the time to be with them, to appreciate them, to love them. Sure there are definitely issues you don't agree with. But to honor means not to argue and shout over those disagreements, but to talk it out in harmony. To take things slow and slowly talk you way through, to let them understand your point of view. But it's also about not being so egoistic that it's only your point of view that matters.

Many a times, in church sermons, pastors will always talk about the need to be proactive if you want to have good relationships. And some kids go, "why me? Why not them first?" Geez. What they expecting? Parents to pamper them and grovel so that they can have a good relationship with their parents? That's outright arrogance and egoism. Why should we be proactive? Simply because it matters enough, and the relationship comes first before our pride. Frankly, pride isn't really worth much, but people hold on to it like it's sacred. Why me? Because I honor my parents to give them this leeway, to take this first step and to maintain the steps.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood. So many times, people keep going "nobody understand me! They don't understand me! How can i make them understand me!" Notice the "me me me"? It's very common among adolescences, but some people just never grow out of it. They blame others for not understanding them. Yet they don't try to understand the others' point of view. "Sure I understand!" Yah right. They don't truly understand, they just think they understand, when in fact they're still looking at things from their point of view.

I wonder, without instand messenging and telephones, will familial relationships be relatively better? At least at home, they're forced to just chill with their family members.

Growing

Aging is a very scary process. Not aging as in 'aging', but just advancing and progressing in Life.

Have to know it to feel it

It is only when you've pained, can you feel the fear of pain.
It is only when you've loved, can you feel the emotion of hate.
It is only when you've failed, can you feel gratitude of success.
It is only when you've fallen, can you feel the hunger to rise.
It is only when you've lost, can you feel the ability to release.
It is only when you've disappointed, can you feel the stress of uncertainty.

It is only when you've experienced, can you really understand what it truly means.

Rat Training to Destress?

Perhaps training my rat to turn around, and to walk on 2 legs, can help take my mind off the many things, and give me a sense of achievement??

Hmm... Sure need some affirmation and confidence that I will get my dream.

Sigh.

Nothing kills as painfully as uncertainty.

Life is not a road, but a boat.

Life has always been described as a journey on a road, but I beg to differ. Recent events have shown me that life is not akin to a road journey, but sailing a boat.

When you're on the road, if you stop moving, you stop moving. Even though stopping may increase distances between yourself and other people who are also on the journey, the idea is that you can start moving again from the same absolute spot where you stopped. That is so not true.

Life's like sailing a boat because your intention to stop does not mean that you are immobile. Your stoppage means that you release your control to the will of the waves and winds. Perhaps even describing life to sailing a boat is incomplete. To be exact, it's like sailing a boat without anchor. Thus, there's no way you can stay at that single spot. Even if you're not doing anything and just daydreaming your time away, the waves will pay no attention nor respect to your intention. You'll simply drift wherever the waves take you. If you're lucky, the waves haven't been strong enough to bring you far from your course, and you're still near the spot where you stopped. If you're unlucky, or you've been out for too long, you'll be so off-course that it'll take considerable time and efforts to get back, if that's even possible. Worse, you'll realize that you're so close to collision that you can only face it with despair and regret.

At times, life is like sailing in the ocean without a compass. That's really scary, because there's no sense of direction. Perhaps you have a destination in mind, but no idea how to proceed. Then it's so easy to simply let go and let the waves take you wherever it wants to. You may think that it's not that bad an idea since you do not have a direction in mind. But the waves may simply bring you to the rocks, and you will not be alert enough to prevent a dreadful collision.

Worsening the situation is a thick fog. Now, not only do you not know where to go, you know not what will come your way. Sigh. A goal in mind, but no direction and no sight. Only thing to do is to remain vigilant, perverse and keep going. Anything is better than letting the waves take you into the rocks. Sooner or later, the fog will clear, and familiar landmarks will appear for you to navigate to your goal. Even if you have ended up further from it, at least you're not drowning among the rocks. It's a matter of time and stamina till you get to your island.

Ultimate fear and sadness

This shall be my first post that mentions anything relating to my faith :P

At Service last Sunday, it was the first time I cried that hard during end worship. Tearing was a norm, but to sob, that's something new. It was really an experience like no other.

Can feel the Father embracing me in His arms. He's really the only one who truly understands... the passion & love I have for humankind, the sadness I feel for them when I see infighting or totally unnecessary political conflicts. Can feel Him embracing me, feeling exactly the same way as I feel, and giving me the quiet comfort like nobody else can give. I've never let these feelings out. I didn't even know how intense they were till that day.

As these feelings poured forth, with them also came my ultimate fears. I realized that there's really nothing more I fear losing than losing my Way, my Destiny, my Calling. I'm so afraid that I'll take the wrong path that's not my calling. Before this, I feel that I think I know where I should go, and yet I'm not sure. If I lose my calling, there's really nothing I have left. In His embrace, He comforted and reassured me to just be brave and go with my faith, for He'll always be there, and as long as I remain vigilant and faithful, I won't stray too far.

Emotions, my boon and my bane. Yet that Service reminds me never to let my heart turn cold & cynical, no matter how much pain, sadness & helplessness I feel. I share the Father's love, passion and also helplessness and sadness for humankind. Only He truly understands these feelings of mine. Everybody I made mention to about this, they gave me a funny look, and just say "sad for what? Just ignore lor." They just don't get it.

It doesn't matter if the world betrays. Doesn't matter if the world doesn't understand. As long as my conscience is clear, my passions true, my faith strong, the Father will always be there with open arms. I do not fear Him. But I fear disappointing Him, for I love Him so so so much.

The Brain

A real knight

Been wanting to blog about this for ages.....

At the end of the movie, The Dark Knight (Batman2), Batman sacrificed his reputation, image & freedom of movement for the city. He continues to help the citizens, at no price. Not even asking for recognition or appreciation. He just does what is right.

This brings me back to something mentioned in Sun Tzu's Art of War. The true strategist is often the unknown. Nobody will applause him for his wits, his strategic achievements, his brilliance. Why? Because it will seem that all the battles he fought are all easy battles, a sure win. No chance for heroic show-offs. Thus, a truly good strategist has to be one who does not carve for reputation, rewards or appreciation. In fact, sometimes, people may even jeer him for cowardice, for always fighting the easy battles.

Back to reality. How many of us can truly put in our heart and soul for somebody else without asking for appreciation, or even to let somebody else take the credit for the good of the whole? You probably won't ask for it consciously. But when the days go bad, the thoughts will come - "I did so much for him/her/them/it, just that they do not know, and I still have to take this nonsense.", or "It's just that you do not know, but I did those works. I just let him have the credit."

I think it takes a really confident and high esteem individual to reach the level of Batman or the true strategist Sun Tzu talked about - the ultimate level of humility. It's a level I wanna work towards, but not sure if I'll ever reach. Till date, I'm don't think I've met a person who is truly at that level. But then, they're hard to notice because of their outward insignificance.

Letting Go

Once there was a very famous wood carver. The animals he carved on wooden frames look so realistic and life-like. One day, the emperor summoned him and ask him for the secret behind his brilliant wood carvings.

He said, "I'm just a simple wood carver. What secret can I have? But if you really must know, before every job, I'll fast for a week in the forest."
Apparently, this allows him to let go of what's not important.

After 2 days of the fast, he'll start to let go of profits and rewards. Letting go of the profits & rewards that the job will/may bring. The profits no longer matter.

After 4-5 days, he'll start to let go of his reputation. It no longer matters to him what people may think about him and his carvings. Be it praises or criticisms, it no longer matter. Whether he does a good or bad job, it doesn't matter.

After a week, he'll start to let go of his self. His biases, emotions, thoughts, character etc.

When he reaches this stage, he'll break away from his meditation and look for a tree. He merely picks the tree that has the best "animal form" in it. So his carving is merely bringing the beauty out of the tree.

Because he was able to let go completely, he was able to see the reality for what it really is, together with all its subtleties. Because he was able to let go, his emotional and mental states were no hindrances, because they no longer matter, they do not "exist", and they do not cloud.

Youth

Was rewatching a Cantonese serial, and there was one message that was often repeated by the lead actor.

Know what's the thing about being young and youthful? It's being daring to try, to be adventurous, to dare to venture and fall. At least years down the road, there's no regrets. To be able to stand up tall and say, "I was foolish once. I was silly once. I was crazy once. I've failed numerous times, but at least I've tried. I've experimented. I've experienced."

Was telling M last night... Chance of succeeding at first attempt is real slim, but I'm still gonna try. At least even if I failed, I know at least I tried. I don't want to live with the regret, "what if I had tried?" So if I fail the first time, I'll try a second time.

One very important thing people should learn (and I'm still learning) is to let go. Let go of failures, and move on. With this, it's lots easier to let go of a failed attempt than an unknown. Having not tried means having to live with an unknown, having to live with the message: "what if I've tried?"

So, youth is not determined by age, but by the courage to try, the courage to fail. At least there's an attempt. I don't wanna go back to my former mentality: "What's the point of trying? Sure fail one." Sure fail, but at least I tried. At least it's circumstances that determined my failure, and not my mind.

Quiz: My Working Style

Got bored... decided to surf around..

Your Working Style
You have a great deal of warmth, but may not show it until you know a person well. You keep your warm side inside, like a fur-lined coat. You are very faithful to duties and obligations related to ideas or people you care about. You take a very personal approach to life, judging everything by your inner ideals and personal values.

You stick to your ideals with passionate conviction. Although your inner loyalties and ideals govern your lives, you find these hard to talk about. Your deepest feelings are seldom expressed; your inner tenderness is masked by a quiet reserve.

In everyday matters you are tolerant, open-minded, understanding, flexible, and adaptable. But if your inner loyalties are threatened, you will not give an inch. Except for your work's sake, you have little wish to impress or dominate. The people you prize the most are those who take the time to understand your values and the goals you are working toward.

Your main interest lies in seeing the possibilities beyond what is present, obvious, or known. You are twice as good when working at a job that you believe in, since your feeling adds energy to your efforts. You see the needs of the moment and try to meet them. You want your work to contribute to something that matters to you--human understanding, happiness, or health. You want to have a purpose beyond your paycheck, no matter how big the check. You are perfectionists whenever you care deeply about something.

You are curious about new ideas and tend to have insight and long-range vision. You are interested in books and language and are likely to have a gift of expression; with talent you may be excellent writers. You can be ingenious and persuasive on the subject of your enthusiasms, which are quiet but deep-rooted. You are often attracted to counseling, teaching, literature, art, science, or psychology.

The problem for you is that you may feel such a contrast between your inner ideals and your actual accomplishments that you may burden yourself with a sense of inadequacy. This can happen even when, objectively, you are being as effecive as others. It is important for you to find practical ways to express your ideals; otherwise you will keep dreaming of the impossible and accomplish very little. If you find no actions to express your ideal, you can become overly sensitive and vulnerable, with dwindling confidence in life and in yourself.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test47.aspx

Saifa Kata

The new kata I'm learning. The standard to strive for: (so smooth, yet so sharp and fast)

The Hedgehog and the Fox II

There's a teaching behind the story of the hedgehog and the fox.
According to this school of thought, there are basically 2 types of people in the world - the hedgehogs and the foxes.

The foxes are very common in our world today. They pursue many ends and perceive the world/situation/problem as very complex. The way they think is very diffuse and complicating. But their thinking is never unified into 1 simple picture, idea, concept or vision. Basically, they believe and thrive in complexity.

Hedgehogs reduce everything to a very simple idea, concept or vision. They dislike complexity. Anything that cannot be reduced to their simplified idea/concept basically has no relevance to them. They're not stupid. They just concentrate on the essence of things.

Foxes may seem very smart, but at the end of the day, it's the hedgehogs who change the world. Some examples of hedgehogs: Freud and the unconscious, Darwin and natural selection, Marx and class struggle, Einstein and relativity, Adam Smith and division of labor. All their works revolve around a central idea or theme, and even till now, sciences are based on their central ideas. These hedgehogs manage to see through the layers of complexity and uncover the underlying patterns or principles. They see through all the peripheral, straight into the core and the essence.

The Hedgehog and the Fox

“The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing.”

The fox is a cunning creature, able to devise a myriad of complex strategies for sneak attacks upon the hedgehog. Day in and day out, the fox circles around the hedgehog’s den, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce. Fast, sleek, beautiful, fleet of foot, and crafty—the fox looks like the sure winner.

The hedgehog, on the other hand, is a dowdier creature, looking like a genetic mix-up between a porcupine and a small armadillo. He waddles along, going about his simple day, searching for lunch and taking care of his home.

The fox waits in cunning silence at the juncture in the trail. The hedgehog, minding his own business, wanders right into the path of the fox. “Aha, I’ve got you now!” thinks the fox. He leaps out, bounding across the ground, lightning fast. The little hedgehog, sensing danger, looks up and thinks, “Here we go again. Will he ever learn?” Rolling up into a perfect little ball, the hedgehog becomes a sphere of sharp spikes, pointing outward in all directions. The fox, bounding toward his prey, sees the hedgehog defense and calls off the attack. Retreating back to the forest, the fox begins to calculate a new line of attack. Each day, some version of this battle between the hedgehog and the fox takes place, and despite the greater cunning of the fox, the hedgehog always wins.


source: "http://www.jimcollins.com/lib/goodToGreat/ch5_p90.html"

Audience

Something I learnt from the recent karate tournament...

It's really very different seeing the event as an audience, and when you're inside on that mat, giving and receiving the punches. It's so easy for the audience to judge, comment and criticize. But I realized, audience have no right to judge anybody on the mat, because they are not inside.

Once on that mat, the whole experience is so different. Audience often says, "should have done this/that", "bad move", "he/she sux" etc. But when you're up there, there's really no time to think. Your body moves without conscious thought/planning. It's pure auto-pilot mode. Easy for audience to give suggestions. But inside, the most you have is probably a split second.

Hence I say, audience have no right to verbally put down or judge anybody on the mat (or in the ring). Comments are normal and okay, but judgement is not. At least they took the step onto the mat, and are receiving the punches & kicks. No joke, they really hurt.

Sad

Sigh...

True Friends

I feel really fortunate to have a group of people who, for the past few months, have been demonstrating what true friends are really about.

Friends who continue to be there despite your flaws and idiosyncrasies or moods.
Friends with whom you can freely express, and not fear/worry about judgments or insults.
Friends with whom you can freely share, and not worry that your words will be used against you later in the future when things go sour.
Friends who will send you SMSes of concerns, and even some "paranoia" that you're bugged by something.
Friends whom you can send random SMSes to and fro.
Friends who teach you not only how to give affections, but to receive affections.
Friends who are there while you discover life and discover yourself.

Thank you ZH and Mer for being really good friends, who taught me that there's nothing to fear about receiving affections (or presents); that I am a person who have people who will accept me for who I am, love me for who I am without conditions, without reserves; that I can have the freedom, opportunity & support to explore and screw up in the process of discovering myself; and most importantly, taught me what friendship truly is.

Thank you M and C for always being the big sisters: so concerned, always with support and advice (and naggings :P ).

Also truly grateful for the bunch of psych friends that I've made this year. People with whom I truly feel at home and at peace. Company that fill me with contentment and peace. Just to name a few: YL, Mav.T, LH, LW.

Friends I do not have a lot. Friends I do not make easily. But I really feel so blessed to have a taste of what true friendship is like, and how beautiful it really is.

Finally moving on

The Empty Chair thingy really works for grief. 1 encounter, and now I really feel I can and am able to close the door, and move on. Can finally move into the last phase. The memories still come, but now I'm able to just shrug them aside as soon as they come, and not feel the hope/desire anymore.

Something that M said over the phone days ago, when I related the hospital event (and my feelings then) to her, made me sigh in realization. Even when you're in identity crisis, when you lack a self, there are still certain selves that you cannot force yourself into (even if you really think that it's your self because someone important said so). Lost anyone yet?

A paradigm is really a very powerful thing. It puts blinders on you, and make you see the world & everybody else as you think they are. Even if you think that you cannot be tied down by any paradigm. Well, that's probably the most blinding cognition - to think that you are so totally flexible and invulnerable to influences, paradigms, attributions and other cognition flaws. As Mer also agreed, these are the people most easily manipulated, because they arrogantly refuse to recognise & to accept, they are most vulnerable.

Finally able to follow the advice that M has been giving me for years - you cannot ever live for other people. I finally understand why. Because it'll never work. You'll either get burned out, or kicked out, or both. The world, and thus other people, do not operate along that axis. Doesn't matter if everything was done for other's approval or success or just to fit that stereotype of you. The world is just gonna make dispositional attribution, and that everything done was individualistic. One can only push that far and that much before fizzing off. Not to mention, pushing one to do something outta your mold is gonna end up in problems, mistakes and screwups sooner or later. It cannot be avoided. Just like people who are not naturally motivated by power, but think they are, will never make good managers no matter how much they carve or work for it. It's just not in them. Like my Sun Tzu prof said, if it's not in them, then there's really only so much he can push/nurture/shape.

Now I totally understand the people who complain that their parents are constantly trying to mold them into people/areas they are not, or pushing them to achieve in areas they're(the children) totally not meant for but (the parents) personally yearn for. Blinders, paradigms, lens... The reality is only as real as the individual makes it to be; there's no good/bad, success/failure, valuable/worthless, jewel/garbage for it all depends on the lens you're wearing.
Love hanging out with social workers who still have the passion. The optimism, the emotional strength & resilience, the non-judgemental attitude, the positive energies, the never-say-die-never-give-up mentality & belief. Woah. Their emotionality really helped guide me in taking things and other people more lightly (but erm, more dislike towards a certain group of people).

Ok C probably gonna complain my post very long again. LOL.

Attention Seeking Bird II

Here are the pictures of the AS Bird.



Staring at me...


Getting in the way of me and my work on the monitor... (and peeping at what I'm doing)

Love of my life

Past few social gatherings/outings reaffirmed one aspect of my self-concept: I really love psychology, all the way to the end of the world and back. Can't imagine what I'll do if I don't get into grad school. Can't imagine doing anything else but live & breathe psychology. Just thinking about it make me all worried and panicky.

Attention Seeking Bird

One attention-seeking bird flew right onto my table today, and STARED at me. It explored my desk for a while (& pecking at miscellaneous things), and tried to interrupt by placing itself in front of my monitor. It's not nice to have someone (or some bird) staring at you when you're working.

Well, it chirped as I kept ignoring it. This is really one attention-seeking bird. It jumped onto my keyboard (while I'm still typing) because I refused to give it attention. Duh! Waved it away, and it just jumped onto the table in front of my monitor.

It finally flew out when I tried to whack it for pecking my fingernail. I was ignoring it, and it hopped over to my mouse (with my hand on it), and peck at my nail. Attention seeker!!!!

Will post up some pictures of this irritating birdlater (taken with my handphone).

Means Becoming the Ends

I often had discussions about ethical boundaries, and whether the ends justify the means.

In the past, I often thought that the ends will justify the means, and that the ethical standards are really a nuisance and hindrance to discoveries. But now I think differently.

If there's any fields that are very bounded by ethical guidelines, that's medical and psychology. Why? Because we deal with fellow human beings. As mentioned, I used to think that if not for those ethical guidelines, we would be able to find out so much more, and hence do so much more for humanity. We can always rely and trust people to be ethical without those annoying guidelines, right? Maybe. Maybe not.

True that these guidelines may be a hindrance. But we have to start somewhere. Now, I don't trust people to know where are the lines. Because when out there, in the rush of wanting answers, the lines are not going to be visible. People can become so focused on the end that they overlook the means. Or rather, they'll justify the means. "Oh come on, you know what kinda answers we'll get? Imagine the good the information will bring, the contribution! It's not like I'm killing them."

Well, maybe. But human's dignity, psyche, integrity are stakes that, to me now, are too big to play around with. There's too much we do not know to allow the risks, especially information about long time effects.

Long time ago, some researchers did a phobia experiment on a kid, whom we now named Little Albert. Sure they found out some good stuff about fears and phobias. The cost? Little Albert's created phobia of anything furry. From the researchers' point of view, probably no big deal, everybody has phobias, and he contributed much to the pool of knowledge. From the family's point of view: Damn them to hell. From the kid's point of view: there's a constant fear he gotta live with, and maybe spend much efforts getting rid of in future.

Our knowledge about human biology increased by leaps-and-bounds during WWII. Why? Because Hitler had live subjects to work with, not bounded by any ethical rules.

Seeing from subjects' point of view, I stand very strongly for ethical guidelines. Sure they're very rigid and probably too restricting, but we have to start somewhere, and the stakes are too high for any psychology or medical professionals to risk. Clinicians live by a code: "Primum non nocere", meaning first do no harm. I think it applies to all psychology professionals, regardless whether they're researchers or clinicians. Psychology, like medical, is here to serve, and not to destroy.

The ends never ever justify the means, because in the long run, the ends will be contaminated, and the means WILL become the ends. And that will destroy the worlds of many fellow human beings out there, just because of our thirst for knowledge. It's goddamn not worth it.

Be prepared

"Never depend on enemy not attacking you", but be prepared for the worst scenario happens and you really get attacked. This is one line that I've read many times, and I thought I understood it.

Because I did not practise this saying, now I'm in deep s***, caught totally off-guard and ill-prepared. This does not apply to just enemies, but also allies. Sigh. Never had the heart to take measures against allies. Now I've learnt my lesson. May seem cold and ruthless, but have to defend against allies as well, as you'll never know when they'll turn against you.

Allies are NOT friends.

Concerned

One of the nicest feeling is being concerned - the fact that there's somebody out there who cares, who is concerned and even irritated that I'm unconcerned about my own health.

Maybe it's the little kid in me, but I do feel so blessed and warm (ok, maybe a little amused too) that someone threatened to leash and drag me to the doc.

Thank you Cleo.

The Unmentioned

The story of Abraham Lincoln is one that's frequently mentioned when one wants to illustrate a point about resilience. Success stories so often quoted or narrated to provide a role model for others to follow. Nothing wrong with that. However, how many actually notice what is NOT mentioned?

Nobody mentioned about how these people felt when they failed again and again. They are also humans. I'm very sure they had their breakdowns, their "argh I can't do it" moments, their fear of uncertainty, their doubts etc. But nobody ever mentioned about these. So what happens? When "normal people" (like us) faces difficulties and failures, when these normal reactions come flooding, we feel so useless because we feel these negative feelings/thoughts. This sense of uselessness come about because nobody ever mentioned that they are normal. The successful people feel it all the time. The difference is that they just keep going despite having these feelings/doubts. Nobody can predict the future. At best is you prepare real hard for it. But there will always be an element of uncertainty, and uncertainty very naturally creates fear and doubt. In my opinion, it'll definitely be better when narrating these success stories, that doubts are normal. What's important is to accept them, and still keep moving forward. Courage is not about having no fear. Only the dead feels no fear. It's about moving on despite feeling fear.

Again, nobody mentioned about the social support that Abraham Lincoln had/not had. Having people there who believe in you counts a lot, a lot. Many times, it's the support that keeps one going, when doubts and uncertainty mount sky high. It's not just about having people who believe in you, but also people whom you know will not judge you even when you fail (and will still be there), when you disappoint them. When something happens, they may get upset with you, but it will not last because they know that you also did not want things to turn out that way either. They see your heart, what's really true and deep inside. That's why family counts so much. 23 years of my life, my family is one that truly made me feel this way. And fortunately, recently I can add a few more individuals to the list: my closest psy mates in school.

So, maybe at the end of the day, what really matters is not how many success stories you narrate to the other person, but just a simple, "no matter what happens, I believe in you, and will be there for you". And when bad things really happen, to be true to your words, and together work things out so that everybody can move on for the better.

What's also important is that people learn to accept their feelings. Only when one accepts, can one keep moving forward, and not wasting energy trying to get rid of what's only natural. What counts at the end of the day is not not-having-negative-feelings, but keep moving despite uncertainty and fears. Else, when you fails to get rid of that part of you (and you very likely will), it will be used as "evidence" of how useless you are, and the self-pitying, self-loathing, downward spiral starts.

Story of Abraham Lincoln

1832: defeated for the state legislation.
1834: (success) elected to state legislation.
1838: defeated for speaker of the state house.
1840: defeated for elector.
1843: failed at being elected to Congress.
1846: (success) elected to Congress.
1849: lost for re-election to Congress.
1855: failed at being elected into United State Senate.
1856: defeated for vice-president.
1858: failed again for United State Senate.

1860: elected to US President.

50 Phrases of Inspiration

1) The subject of success is the study of the Obvious.
You need to be teachable to be successful.

2) The foundation of success lies in the application of God's principles.

3) Lasting success in life is knowing your Identity, Purpose and Destiny.

4) 3 success factors are Character, Competence and Consistency.

5) Success is not a destination, but a Journey in the right direction, as one progress in the truth, faith and love.

6) A life is not important except in the Impact it has on other lives.
Your wealth is meaningless if you do not share it with others. It does no good and it does others no good if it is not shared.

7) The heart of success is the golden service of a useful life to others.

8) When you consistently satisfies a need, you will be in demand.

9) We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

10) It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.

11) A hero is someone who has given his life to something bigger than oneself.

12) Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.
It means Hard Work. Sometimes we said, "He is a genius", but we do not know how much hard work he put in and the number of failures he endured.

13) Your income seldom exceeds what you invest in your personal development.

14) It is hard to keep what which has not been obtained through personal devotion and sacrifice.

15) The only way to enjoy anything in life is to earn it first.
It is an awesome feeling to own something you hard-earned for it.

16) When your talents and the needs of the world cross, there lies your calling.

17) Your talents are God's gift to you, but what you do with it is your gifts back to God.

18) It is not your aptitude, but your Attitude that determines your Altitude.

19) Nothing can stop the man with the right attitude from achieving his goal.
Nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.

20) You cannot buy a good attitude with a million dollars, but the right attitude can buy you your 1st million.

21) Your poor EQ can sabotage your high IQ.

22) I cannot do everything, but I can still do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.
Many people gave up since they cannot do everything.

23) In the middle of difficulty, lies an opportunity.
Do you see difficulty in opportunity, or opportunity in difficulty?

24) Problems are often possibilities and opportunities in disguise.

25) It's not whether you get knocked down. It is whether you get up.

26) Great wealth without a balanced, healthy life is not success at all.

27) The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money.

28) When you make money your God, it will plague you like the devil.

29) Build your life to become an example, not a warning.

30) Your best dreams and ideas will remain only dreams if you don't wake up and execute them.

31) Vision + Passion + Action = Success

32) A goal is a dream with a deadline.

33) The secret of success is to do common things uncommonly well.

34) The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today.
If you do your best today, your tomorrow will be easier.

35) A wise man always delivers more than he promises.

36) Efficiency is doing things right. Effectiveness is doing the right things. Excellence is doing the right things right.

37) To learn well, one has to ask the right questions, and get the right answers from the right people.

38) Failure need not be permanent the moment you learn from it.

39) Failure is never final until you give up.

40) Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.

41) Don't let failure go to your heart, or success to your head.

42) What has happened is not as important as what you do about what has happened.

43) The best economic strategy is to keep improving and doing more than required.

44) People, who never do anymore than they get paid for, never get paid for anymore than they do.

45) Joining an easy crowd will not inspire you to soar, so go where the expectations and demands are high.

46) Life is a process of accumulation, so be careful what you collect.
We cannot stop accumulation, but we need to manage it otherwise it clusters.

47) Effective motivation is Encouragement + Correction.

48) He who is good at making excuses is seldom good at anything else.
In fact, it is hard work trying to find excuses.

49) We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sail.

50) The highest reward for man's toil is not what he gets for it, but what he becomes by it.

The Grief Cycle

Mind Reading & Privacy

A very common myth is that psychology students are mind readers. What an assumption! But at times, I really wish I can read minds. No longer will I create misunderstandings, problems and frustrations by failing to catch important points, or misreading certain hints/gestures/behaviors.

However, that said, power bestowed to one should be bestowed to all. How many people are pure enough to withstand intense scrutiny by others? Nowadays, it's so normal to put a mask on one thing, and actually thinking about another thing. Can you stand others knowing your deepest thoughts? To some people, I really really don't mind. In fact, I welcome it because words are hard to describe my most sincere thoughts and emotions at times. And to these people I really love, I have nothing to hide, and if I do, it's because I fear expressing in a way that they'll misunderstand and get hurt. To others, I will not mind on the condition that I can also read their minds. Lack of trust by the closed doors.

Isn't it a sad society that people are adverse to the idea that everybody are mind readers? Confucius teaches, the gentleman is one who is exactly the same outside the house, and behind closed doors. It's something I once really worked towards, but then, this seem to put me at a disadvantage to those who play by the society's rules. It's supposedly something naive and too perfect for this world. This has taken to an extent that at times, when you're really sincere, people think you're acting. How frustrating it can be, really.

Probably on a closer note, let's talk about CCTV and privacy. Some time back there were this debate on the TV about installing CCTV everywhere. Many people argued against it, say it's invasion of privacy. Same with the way Ez-Link card can track where you've been, and what time. I used to think that way too. However, now I think otherwise. Frankly, what's with this talk about privacy? If I have nothing to hide, I have nothing to fear under scrutiny, under tracking.

As the Chinese saying goes, 坐得直，站得正, that is something I really believed in. It's not about not making mistakes. It's about having no hidden agendas, no double-messages, a clear conscience. I am as the person right in front of you, and I will be that same person when I go home and close my door.

And how sad this world has truly become, being so conscious about privacy, and neglecting what's really important, basic and moral.

Lessons of 2007

Another year gone, another year to come. This is usually the time where people reflects, and make various resolutions for the coming year.

My reflections didn't go as far back as the entire 2007, just the later half. So many things happened during that semester. Experienced lots of pain, gained lots of advice from various people, and finally learn to put some of my "knowledge" into practical.

One thing I finally managed to do, is to let go. To let go of relationships, to let go of people, to let go of my failures and mistakes. It's not about not caring. But it's not letting them affect me. Relationship is something that I've always known I've to let go but never get to achieve it. Finally, forced to let go of that one relationship that's dearest to me, via the very hard way. Frankly, though it's painful, it's actually healthier for me. That's one thing that many self-help/growth books (and also the bible) will tell you, never let your life or yourself center around anything/anybody.

I've learnt to take things more lightly. As my sister advises, "for once, don't be bothered about how you appear to other people". Perhaps it's the training I've had for the past 3 years, plus my low self-esteem/confidence. I can be so self-conscious that I'm pondering over every word I say, every joke that I'm about to make, even among friends. That's probably one reason why I never "click" with anybody. At times, especially in unfamiliar (yet important) situations, I can get so self conscious that it actually ruins everything. Oh well.

I've always felt that social work professionals (i.e. social workers, counsellors, clinical psychologists) are very detached and emotionless people, when they're the ones who are supposed to be helping people's emotions. Now I know, this very fact demands that they avoid attachment. They are also human. They have to protect themselves as well. Those who cannot be detached will definitely burn out sooner or later. At the hospital, I felt that the 2 social workers who came to help A's family were so emotionless. I didn't think they were of much help. But there are things that only family and friends can interfere, and not professionals. I've always felt that prof C is very detached, but I think that's groomed by her profession. As she said, as a clinical psychologist, we enter with an exit in mind. This is one of the many reasons I feel I'm not suitable for clinical work. I'm too idealistic.

Recently, L told me, "just do what you think is right". Really, when it comes to ambiguous situations that have no clear answers, there's nothing you can do other than to just follow your instincts. That's also one reason one has to let go, and not get too attached to the outcome. Letting go doesn't mean not caring. But in event that things don't work out, I have to be able to move on.

"As soon as you think you're good, you're dead." I've heard/seen this saying at least 3 times this semester. While in Business, they advocate confidence, and to think that you're good and you can make it; in psychology, because we're dealing with humans, confidence means to be able to live with the fact that you're imperfect, and to ask for advice/help whenever needed. This is becoming one of my principles, that I never ever want to think that I'm good. Can't risk complacency and arrogance, especially when people are usually unaware that they're complacent.

The above is also related to the double-edged sword of experience. Last night, I read in a novel by R.A.Salvatore, elves are arrogant because of their longevity, that they think they're much more experienced and thus wiser than any other. So many times, I've seen people who consciously advocate life-long learning, and denounce those locked by their experience, and yet they themselves are doing the same and trusting too much on their experience & supposed wisdom. It's hard not to be affected by the negative side of experience. The funny thing is, once you consciously think/advocate that you will never be affected, you will definitely be affected. It's something that is human (regardless of age, though more susceptible to more matured individuals, naturally). Another thing learnt in Personal Mastery. What's important is not to deny, but to face up to it that it's really human nature and that you can be affected by it. Only then can you, or will you, be consciously guarding yourself against the effect. There are some things that experience will not provide. While an older person may be more experienced, a younger one may have a totally radical way of perceiving things. Experience? Nope. Just personality and the way we think.

Clinical Psy also taught me to be able to accept the fact that there are times, people are not ready to change though they're suffering. It's sounds illogical. But they're already comfortable and familiar with their suffering. Do not judge them harshly (or at all), for everybody can fall into this. And, many times, though people say they're definitely ready to change, they may actually not be. Change is hard work, and it's frightening work. Over dinner, E told me, "people can get comfortable, even though it's a job that they're not passionate about, and their real passion lies somewhere else". That's why he'll never go into photography full time, as he's comfortable with his job and income. There's really nothing wrong with that. The very fact that he's candid about it makes me respect him even more. Fighting comfort has to be conscious. What helps is the first step in making that conscious decision, to want to step into the unknown. And it's definitely something that has to be maintained. What's unknown will become known, and there lies another patch of unknown.


Probably time to end, for it's getting really very lengthy.