Loneliness and independence

Frankly, I think the harder part of PhD training is not the rigorous intellectual training... but the training of the mind and heart to be alone, to be independent and resilient to loneliness. Is there any lonelier journey than this? Definitely... but this is definitely one of the loneliest. You do things only your sup understands and hopefully appreciates (and tt's till you are a grad student). Only to handful of people (if you're really lucky) can they understand your thoughts and your passion. Few people outside the academia is going to understand what you are talking about. Your passion and your vision is yours and hard, if at all possible, to communicate coherently to share with other people. Thus, you burn alone. You slog alone for a purpose and vision that only you can understand. Academia are few. So there's only so many who will understand your process. And within this few, it's likely you will not find anybody whom you can click with and trust. A rigorous training to train you to be lonely and independent, because that's what will characterize the rest of your life as a single academia. If you make it big eventually in a future that is unforeseenable, people may want to get close to you but still nobody will understand you. Nobody will want to share the burden of a complex, intense mind and heart that characterize a good academia.

No-mans land

Finally... an academic who very precisely verbalizes what I feel and makes me feel less alone in my calling.
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by Paul M. Gould, in chap 1 of The Two Tasks of the Christian Scholar

"...the secular ethos of the university presses Christian scholars to conduct their research and teaching in purely secular terms and motifs. If Christian scholars want a place at the table, they must play by the rules of the academic game. A strict wall of separation between church and state exists, and any effort to tear down the wall is looked on with either suspicion or outright incredulity.

On the other hand, the Christian scholar is committed to a particular view of he world that is often antithetical to the established secular ethos. The Christian universe is a God-centered universe. If Jesus is Lord, he is Lord of all areas of thought and life. In fact, the Bible claims that in Jesus "are hidden all treasures of wisdom and knowledge" (Col. 2:3). Thus, the Christian scholar himself often becomes disintegrated, compartmentalizing his "scholarly life" from his "spiritual life" as he attempts to navigate between the Scylla of religious fundamentalism and the Charybdis of accomodationism. Any attempts to invoke a Christian perspective to science (for example) in the university are quickly labeled as fundamentalist attempts to promote religion masquerading as science. Any attempts to utilize non-biblical conceptual schemes erected by thinkers such as Plato, Aristotle or Kant in order to shape and guide research and teaching are (sometimes) viewed by the church as selling out to accommodationism. The net result of these opposing pressures is that the Christian scholar is left in a sort of 'no-mans land' - viewed with suspicion by both the church and the university. And within the secular academy, religion is relegated to the sidelines. Religion is reserved for the scholar's personal life: meaningful to either the individual or one's own religious community only."


Ideas have consequences, and the university in general and professors in particular are the gate-keepers of ideas - influencing directly or indirectly all aspects of thought and life in our world.

YES! What takes places in universities' labs and especially, what research/theories/way of thinking becomes accepted and even dominant have effects on the future generations. We may not see the effects today, because they lay the foundation of tomorrow's thinking and paradigm. Whatever we see happening today in ALL segments of the society (e.g. public policy, lay theories, popular beliefs etc) is the result of what has been accepted yesterday in the universities - the core of ideas and mindsets.

Fellowship of suffering

How can I love a person if I do not even know the hurts she carry? Even for myself, I feel closest n most loved by ppl who know my pains, hurts n struggles. Ppl who walked with me thru the desert, who have seen my tears n know the stories of the tears. ppl who did not merely give me cliche answers or counsel, but gave themselves to soothe the pain, gave me their precious time to understand n share in my hurts n struggles.

Indeed the easiest way to truly feel love for a person, esp an irritating person, is thru their hurts n pains. Somehow, their hurts illuminate their humanity, n bond us as fellow pilgrims of Life.

Similarity, God reaches us to us in n thru our pains, thru the same pains He Himself went thru. Truly, fellowship of suffering. Do not forget my experiences, hurts n scars. Use them to reach out to others. Use them to keep me always tender n sensitive to the pains n humanity of others. Use them to bring them into the fellowship of suffering of Christ.

Unique experiences

At a big Christian bookstore yesterday, somehow it just came to me how many Christian books there really are... even on similar topics.

I was thinking about this sheer number of books... and it occurred to me that perhaps this is the by-product of having a relational God who relates to each one of us uniquely, in accordance to who we are. And such experiences are so wonderful that we can't help but want to share with the rest of the Body of Christ, or even the world. Thus, so many different books but yet each varying in differing degrees of differences from each other.

Stewardship

Reflecting on my recent venture into financial planning & management, and from last night's QT, a lesson learnt is that good stewardship is an act of worship unto the Lord. To be prudent and wise in managing what resources (be it money, time, talents or any other resources) I have is honoring God for what He has given me.

A servant who is prudent and a good manager brings glory to the Master.

In the middle

Was at a bookshop, standing in between two bookshelves when I saw an irony. On my right was the Inspirational shelf - with books mostly on Christianity, Seeking God, Finding peace in life etc. On my left was the Self-Help shelf - with books on Master your destiny, Conquer your self and be successful, Find your true self etc. While amused, I was reminded of how many of us are often in the position I was physically standing in. Deep inside seeking for something, yet the world giving all the advice, suggestions and wrong answers in the opposite direction.

The world tells us to depend on ourselves, climb the ladder, you have to be successful to be happy... Yet within, we are often seeking for that one thing that can truly satisfies. We argue about God's existence. We ask where He is when we are hurting. We desire for the peace that just seem so-near-and-yet-so-far.

When the inner just isn't satisfied, many soon just turn solely to the world, abandoning the spiritual by considering it as naive, stupid, or delusional. The heart hardens, accepting this life as all that there is and whatever darkness that exist is normal and just "part of life". A short sentence - "That's life." embodies the hopelessness, resignation and emptiness that many don't even realize they are feeling.

Accustomed to focusing on the world and the self... Is that why the older you are the harder it is to change your focus? Or is it the fear of being wrong, the fear of change, the fear of the unknown... or the fear that as before, you will not find what you truly seek? Or the inner voice been ignored for so long that the worldly voice of pride can no longer be dampened? Maybe it is all of the above in varying combinations and quantities.

The darkness we see all around in this world is not normal, just typical. Yet so many have resigned and accepted it as "that's life". If this is not sad, what else is?

Rising up

For a while, God may indulge you, comforting you in your fears, worries etc. But it'll reach a point when He just ask when you're gonna snap out of it, at a time when you have been sufficiently healed and about time to mature from a kid into an adult. I now have the strength, and about time to exercise my will & faith into another level.

Desire For Discussions

At times, I feel my desire more strongly than ever. The desire to just have someone who can discuss theology (and other stuff) with me regularly. Ironically, people from church are often not the ones you'll seek for such conversations. They're either too busy, or not interested, or both. At times, it's not even to have a 2-way discussions. It's just someone who is willing to listen when I am excited over something I've learnt and can't wait to share (which tend to be rather often). And I look around, too bad, nobody's interested. So I sigh, pack everything in and close the door.

The desire for such intellectual conversations yet having nobody with similar interests does make one feel weird, lonely and perplexed. That's one reason why hanging out with my Psychies is such a different and enjoyable experience. Never once did we not dwell into deeper discussions on human behaviors. On the table each contributes her specialty knowledge and experience. We may not have solved any world problems, but at least one person leaves the table intellectually satisfied. The intellect has given and received, and thus satisfied.

Reminds me of a discussion I was having with a research fellow. We could talk for hours. 2 kindred spirits. And together we discovered a similar social problem we face. We find it hard to engage in conversation with others at times. TV shows don't interest us, definitely not korean shows. We try to avoid gossips whenever we can, or whenever we are conscious of it. Take these two out and you'll find it hard to engage in 'normal' conversations. It's either us educating them, or them educating us. Seldom is there mutual exchange of knowledge, viewpoints or pondering over alternatives; in short, seldom is there conversation or discussion.

Sigh.

What karate has taught me

Was watching Karate Kid and it reminds me of the many things that karate has taught me.

Never before I have pushed my physical body to its limits till I puke within 15 mins of training. But it also demonstrates to me what my physical body is actually capable of if I set my mind to it. Often we place limits on ourselves, thinking that's the max we can do; not knowing our real limits are actually much higher than what we think. To simply concentrate on doing needs to be done, and not how tired you are. To focus and just concentrate on getting through the next second, truly taking the mind off the self.

I tasted what raw, primitive fear feels like, when you're out there on the mat facing your opponent, and she is out to get you. But you face off your fear. Really scared, but you still stand there in the mat. It doesn't stop the fear, but it stops it from dictating what you do.

I tasted what true focus is like. The one and only time I really focused is when I was sparring with my friend for a referee course. The one and only time I was truly sparring with my whole concentration, when my body reacts faster than I think. Even my sensei was impressed that I was wholly into it. But that took many rounds for me to "get into the flow"... and trust. To be able to trust my friend and so it helps me to abandon my natural fear about being hurt. I was amazed what I can do, but I wonder if I can ever get into that state again. The true meaning of being still, which is different from doing nothing. Where the mind and heart is still and focused.

Definitely I learn pain, and continuing despite the pain. Blocking moves is actually a very painful thing, despite what you see on the shows. But to discipline yourself to move on despite the pain. I've seen a little boy sparring, tearing because of pain yet continuing. That 5 years old boy earned the respect of everybody that day.


These have actually helped in my own spiritual walk. I learn to be still. I learn obedience. I learn not to wallow in pain and self-pity. I learn to trust others when I am not able to trust myself. I learn to focus on what's important and not the self. I learn to refuse fear from dictating what I do. I learn to do despite what I feel because it is necessary. I learn not to trust what I think my limits are but to push on. I learn self-control and respect for others.  

At the end, there's only Love

I have been mulling over how people can go to extremes just for money, when it becomes more important than conscience and peace till it simply takes over the person. I felt a tinge of incomprehensible because I am not motivated by it; at the end of the day, money accumulates till a threshold when it becomes real meaningless as it's just a nice looking number on your bank statement. Then I digressed to how people can also be motivated by power, status and influence. This I can comprehend better, but it also felt to me that it'll also get to a point where all these become meaningless. Worse, with status and influence comes reputation and awe from people, but it also comes with responsibilities and greater accountability. Even family can amount to little because if you truly love them, you cannot hold on to them because they need space to grow and become the persons they truly are, be it children or younger siblings. Even family is not something you can hold on to till the end. At this point I was starting to feel disillusioned. I wondered if finally I am growing up and becoming a part of the adult world, abandoning the idealistic child in me. Is it really all there is in the 'real' world - emptiness and working towards/for no meanings?

There was this sense of passivity and lack-of-drive. I'm not motivated by money. I'm not particularly competitive, and increasingly less so as time passes. There's no sense of ambition ever since I surrendered my ambition back to God. When I seriously think about these worldly things, their meaningless just became obvious. As I was dwelling on this little thought (and not exactly very happy about it), suddenly it just dawned on me that as you strip away all these, there's only 1 thing left at the core that remains standing... Love. The ultimate Love manifested in and by Christ. The love that God has for me and every single individual that is simply beyond words.

I was walking when this revelation came. I was so in awe that I nearly stopped in my tracks. I felt so humbled by His love. There's a sense of indescribable joy that just flowed from deep within. I came to really understand that if you truly know how much God loves, obedience and trust are very natural responses to Him. His yoke is light because all you do are just natural responses to His love. I came to really appreciate in my heart (not just understand in my mind) why Solomon can write what he wrote in Ecclesiastes. I came to also truly understand how Paul can count all things as loss compared to knowing Christ. In view of His love, all things become so trivial. It's like in the light of His greatness and majestic love for us, the diamond naturally pales and look just like what it is - a stone. At the end of the day, all that can withstand the test of time is really the ultimate Love.


Words amount to little without actual experience. Through my sharing, may God reveal to you too what I felt and partake with me in the awesome experience.


God loves each of us so much that all He asks is for you to believe that He exists, and He loves you so much that He has done everything in His capability for a reconciliation.

A person hard to offend

Lord,
Let me be a person who is hard to offend.
Let me be forgiving, understanding and thoughtful towards all I interact with.
Let me be able to appreciate the importance of having different perspectives.
Let me be slow to anger and quick to forgive, just like You.
Let me not make any rash judgments or act in anything that is not out of a spirit of love.

All in all, let me be a child of light, worthy of Your name.

Amen.

My Walk with Him, chapter 4

The first few hundreds meters were quiet... awkwardly quiet. He didn't seem to be bothered by the silence, but I was. Never much of a conversation-ist, I struggled to find appropriate words. It just didn't seem very nice nor polite to not try to break the ice. But I didn't much much success.

We soon passed a lake. Stunningly beautiful as the water glittered under the rays of the gentle sun. He paused, turned, and smiled.

"Let's take a break here."

Nodded. We moved closer to the lake, and sat on the gentle sloping patch of grass. Another awkward silence.

Finally, he broke the silence, "you know... you don't have to try to please me or behave in any ways to conform to the world's expectation of civility. I am perfectly fine with who you really are, and not who the world thinks you should be."

Not knowing what to say, I just looked at him. I knew what he was saying, but I didn't really understand what he was implying. How could he know who I really am, when I am trying to find myself?

Gently, he took my hand, and led me to the lake. He said softly, "look... and see what people see."

I leaned forward, and saw my own reflection in the water. Puzzled, I frowned, and it frowned back. He passed his hand over my reflection, "and this is what I see..."

The water rippled. My reflection became a blur. Yet, something indescribable happened, for I was mesmerized by the change. My reflection changed in such a way that no words could describe. It became brighter, not in the normal sense, but it felt purer. The new reflection looked very familiar, yet not so... like it's a person I know very intimate yet not so. Looking deeper into it, I felt all the weaknesses and character flaws of this 'person', the hidden scars that nobody see, the darkness tucked away somewhere, the unstable emotions that roller-coastered through... mingled with a special innocence, a childlike dependency, an immeasurable joy, the desire to do good. My heart skipped a beat... I know who she is. That's the me that I seek.

Slowly, the water stilled again. Speechless, a tear flowed. He saw my everything, and yet he wanted to walk with me. He knew me better than I even knew myself, and he saw good beneath the dirt and blood.

Silence wasn't awkward anymore, for I knew with him, I am free.

The need to be understood

I wonder if our strong need to be understood is inherent in our nature as social beings. Emo adolescents cry out about not being understood (esp. by their parents) or do all things to get attention. Even adults in distress, at times when we realize that 'hey, we are not alone in the boat' or just simply that someone understands exactly how I feel/think without even me having to try to convey it through words, we feel much better and able to cope even if the situations have not changed. Many times, for many people including myself, things became bearable when we believe that God understands because He been through exactly it and more.

Many, especially females, will have the frustration of having well-intended friends who gives advice and solutions, when all we need is someone to make us feel that we are not alone in our reactions/feelings/thoughts. More commonly applied to emotional situations, but it can be mental/intellectual as well, the frustration of nobody understanding what you are thinking, perceiving etc. The feeling of talking to an organic wall, because things shared are not 'bounced back' resulting in frustration and desire to just cease communication. On the other hand, the thrill of having somebody who can bounce ideas with you, who can bounce back something before you even finish a sentence/thought.

When God said "It is not good for man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18), it probably has more truth, insights and depths than anyone can imagine.

Unexpected look of understanding

An important lesson learnt today. At times, when it really hurts, what you need is really not a step-by-step guide of how you should get out of it, or why you should learn to move on or it's just part of growing up. It may not even be the words, "Yes I understand."

All it's needed is just a look with a weird kind of smile that says it all. That look of understanding, of empathy, of just saying "yes I know for I am also in the boat". Maybe that's why many times though people say they understand, or even that they know because they came through it, it didn't register into the heart. That look is missing. The way the eyes just speak... it's just not there. Without it, I sincerely just don't feel like you really understand, no matter what you say, even if you've been through it.

When you finally get to see those eyes, it's most often in a place at a time you least expected it. And suddenly, everything just became okay, for there's somebody who truly understands. Just for that few seconds, when the eyes meet, the souls just speak and minister to each other at a level that is beyond human understanding.

Aftermath of my experience today, and all I can do is give thanks. I found God in the most unexpected place at most unexpected time, through the most unexpected person, and I was ministered. He knows exactly what's needed... and provided.

My Walk with Him, chapter 3

Time seemed to stop, and yet flew past. Who knew how long we stood there, just waiting for my step of faith. Did I truly know what I was doing? Maybe? Probably not as much as I should. There was uncertainty. There was apprehension. There was fear of being a fool. But truly, what's future if not uncertainty? What's choices and decisions if not steps of faith on one's own judgment (wise or stupid)?

A strange, yet not totally unpleasant, feeling resonated within me as he spoke. My heart said he was genuine. Yet, true to character, my mind as the forever skeptic rained warnings and doubts. I looked at the other paths, and then at the one he pointed... one looked the same as the other, yet there's the one that held a promise (plausible?) of friendship and companionship.

Deciding to follow the small voice of my heart, I took a deep breath, looked at him... "Okay, let's go."  With those words, I took my first step with one who would change every aspect of me forever, from inside out.

My Walk With Him, chapter 2

I looked at him, stared at him, blinked at him. Hesitantly. Yet he just continued to smile... and wait. Can I trust him? Is he to be trusted? He seems nice... but...

"Is it a good path?" I asked.

"Walk with me, and I will share with you the wonders of this world. The splendor and beauty within everything. The joy that will rise from deep within your soul. The true life that nourishes and satisfies."

He paused.

"But I will not conceal from you this too. It's will not be all sunny and fair weather. There will be storms to brave. There will be hills and mountains to climb. There will be deserts to cross. There will be darkness to conquer. There will be lions and dragons to fight."

My eyes widened as I knew not what to say.

He took a step towards me, "but this I promise you: whatever it is, I will be with you, and you will never brave the elements alone."

He extended his hand, "so will you walk with me?"

My Walk With Him, chapter 1

I stood at the fork-road. Left and right. Left or right. I'm not sure how long I was there. Hours? Days? Weeks? What's time to a person made to stand still by her inability to choose? Each looked as good as the other. Each looked as terrifying as the other. No sooner had I chosen one, the other looked more appealing.

Sun rose, and set.
Cows came, and went.
He came, and stayed.

He was just there, waiting. Patiently waiting. Patiently observing. I turned, and our eyes met. Twinkle in his eye, he gave the warmest smile there can ever be. Pointing to a path, gently he said, "That is my way. Will you walk with me?"

 

Thoughts a many

Problem with my thoughts are... either I'm not thinking of much stuff, or I'm thinking of so many that I can't decide which to blog about first. At this moment, I have at least four ideas swimming around in my mind. Wonder which one of them will drown first, and which will make it to land.

Subtle sense of entitlement

Our society today has so much emphasis on rights that it's creating so much bitterness, unhappiness, rivalry, unforgiveness etc. Most of the time, we feel bitter because something we feel entitled to have not been given to us. It ranges from the obvious stuff like time, pay, rewards, respect to less obvious stuff like attention, courtesy, or even understanding/empathy. I'm not saying that we are wrong to feel entitled to certain stuff. Certainly if one works, one is entitled to a salary. But the danger lies in the unconscious sense of entitlement in the little things, most of the time in the realm of social relationships, which naturally result in self's unhappiness and broken relationships.

Take a social situation of joining a new group. Change is not easy. Joining a new group of people is not easy. At times the initial transition phase can lead to a sense of loneliness, and worse, a sense of abandonment. But maybe there are hidden sense of entitlements that is within me that is actually making the transition harder than it actually is. Feeling entitled to being attended to during the transition, to not being ignored or being noticed, to being reached out to and nursed into the group etc. Definitely these are no conscious thoughts, and often we can only feel their effects on our emotions, in terms of aloneness or not fitting in. Unattended to, they may just down-spiral into sense of self-pity and withdrawal. Woe to me then. Perhaps it is true, but perhaps my pride & 'entitlements' are actually blinding me to the truth. Does it matter? Because ultimately it's the self who suffers the most. Unnatural yes, but it's easier on the emotions if we have no expectations on anybody or any social situations. Only then will I be sensitive to any nice things that come, and be absolutely grateful because I will be able to count them as blessings. How joyous for me will it be then.

In dedicating my self to Christ, I should not be entitled to anything. Not my time, my career, my energy. Most people will take it as something painful, miserable because it is a sacrifice. However, ridding myself of a sense of entitlement will bring about joy, not just to other people but also to myself. And I am able to do that because I trust that God is good and He loves me. It's like having a very loving parent whom you just believe in totally, and you can happily and without much care depend on him/her because you trust that this parent will do everything that is best for you. It makes life much simpler and much happier. Fighting for your rights end up only hurting you, not the other party. Is it worth it?

Trade pride for joy. Doesn't sound like a bad bargain.

Heavenly Father, I'm sorry that I have harbored pride in my heart.
This sense of entitlement from other people, which have thus caused me so much misery.
I repent, Lord. And I dedicate my life to You again.
Let me be satisfied fully in Your grace, goodness and love, and not dependent on anything from man.
Let me not feel entitled to anything, so everything to me will be a blessing and a joy.
I'm just here to serve, and all things given are by Your grace.
In Jesus's faithful name, Amen.

Joy in God for that's our destiny

I was reading this book by Max Lucado in which he used the Lord's Prayer to introduce this interesting idea of the House of God. Different parts of the house represent the different aspects of the Christian faith.

One aspect of the House that still remains very strongly in my memory is the furnace. He used the idea of the furnace as God's purpose & calling for each individual. How do you know it's God's calling for you? The purpose will burn in you like nothing else. It's a passion that just comes from deep within your soul. He used his own example when he was not sure if he was truly called to be a pastor. His own pastor said, "don't preach unless you absolutely have to". He realized he had to, else the passion to preach will consume him like a fire.

I can totally attest to it. Research takes calling. I believe this is my calling, and really... I cannot think of doing anything else but research. And not just any research, but research in a very specific area. I read an advice on a forum once: "don't apply for PhD if you can think of something else you don't mind doing. Go do that something else." It's a fire from deep within and this passion will naturally radiates if you are doing it.

This is linked to what I have been reading about recently about Christian Hedonism. A pastor said, when he was young, he was often very confused, because people keep telling the youngsters to stop doing their will and do God's will. He was confused because, why can't it be both God's will and our will? It struck me because that has been my confusion. I believe it's my calling, so it's God's purpose for me. Yet I am so excited and determined to get there. So is it His purpose, or merely my own ambition?

God loves us all individually, and because of this love, He just wants us to do what is best for us. To do His way is actually to do what we are created for. Only by doing what our very personality, character, being is created to do can we find joy in work. So many people are doing things or in occupations that they totally detest for various reasons. If you are doing you are meant to do, that will be something you will be passionate about, and work won't be work. A colleague asked me, what about our free will? This is free will. To choose to do something you are not passionate about because you are not meant for that role, or choose to not be so stubborn (and stupid) and do what you are created for thus in the process finding great joy.

The sadness of pride. Out of pride, we often refuse to do what we know is good for us, and stubbornly insist that we know what is best. Even when circumstances prove us wrong, out of pride, we just clench our jaws and slog on this wrong path we have taken because to do otherwise is to admit we have been wrong. Oh... the joy and liberation we miss out, because of pride. The hurts, burdens and frustrations we face because of pride. The aches of the Father because of our pride. The sorrows as He see us stubborn children insisting on doing what is not the best for us. The desire to reach out to us even us we turn out backs on Him and refuse to even acknowledge His existence. Just imagine doing that to your own earthly parent, and imagine the hurt your mom or dad will feel. Multiply that many times and you may understand a little the sorrows of our heavenly Father.