Will I...

And just how many times more
Do I have to transverse this road
This endless spiral down and down
Into the emotional pit of fears and null.

Irrational and senseless, yes I know
Try preaching and reaching through it all
More than anyone I want it out
Yet again and again I'm caught off-guard.

Just want normal like everyone else
To have a chance and not sympathy
To show despite these monsters that I fight
I am still okay to contribute more

Will I even have the call
To show it's not me but Christ in me
Or simply given the bench
To minimize collateral or asked to rest

Can someone just show me how
The world is more than rationality and risks
That it's a place of more than second chances
One willing to accept wholly me and my bogeyman

Will I be ushered to the ward or the side
If I show you the imps I wrestle with
Or will you look me in the eye
And say it's okay for everybody's the same

Will I ever see the day
When I stand with all with victory won
Or will that day only come
When I'm shown I have nothing to fear

 

My faith

Do I know anything with any certainty?
Frankly, all I have is my faith.
When all else goes, all that's left is Faith.
A faith that gives birth to Hope.
A faith that draws strength from Love.

His Faithfulness

Alone and overwhelmed
At the foot of the cliff I stand
Up I crane my neck and eyes
At the towering structure I'm to scale

Unsure I can do it
So inadequate I suddenly feel
It's so much more than I had imagined
Who am I to conquer and fight

Back I turned
Past Jordan to the land I came
The dry and desolate desert that I walked
Suddenly that felt so much better

The familiar as I longed
Yet in the sands I suddenly saw
The marks of the journey that I made
More importantly the story that they tell

Pairs of footprints that I saw
One so firm and other skittery light
At times the skittery becomes a drag
Yet the other always stout

Intermittently only the firm remains
And I remembered those are the times
When I couldn't go on and just collapsed
And God took me in His arms carrying me through

Eyes back to the cliff front of me
Still small but reassured
For I am weak but He is strong
And never forsake me is His word

Trustingly I start the climb
Drawing strength from the One who ascend with me
Having faith in the One belaying me
Focusing solely on the One waiting and encouraging me

Past the desert not Promised Land
But Jericho awaits with threats and arms
Yet not by might nor by power
But by the Spirit of God

The Unbelivable Love

A glance at the mirror
Never a second longer
"Do you like who you see?", You asked
Well, I no longer hate it.

Yet knowing that's not what was asked
But an answer I just can't give
So out of sight & out of mind the question is
Do not even want to think about it

Lovingly You just looked on
Patiently You just waited
Meanwhile You just kept giving & affirming
Lavishing Your love again & again

In my mind I know You love
Through my words I give You thanks
But You looked deeper than thoughts & words
Into a heart that has not received

Months and weeks You just loved
Bringing me into the abyss of pasts
Painful and full of tears I may be
Yet firmly You led me through

Finally having progressed You then stopped
Looked me in the eyes & deep within
"Don't just know that I am God.
Be still and know that I love you."

Bewildered, petrified and beyond words
Knowing but just can't accept
How can I ever be Your heartfelt desire?
How can this me be worthy in this state?

No words said; You just loved
With pain in Your heart & love in Your eyes
Tenderly You just embraced
"Hard to believe, but yes, it's you I love."

Broken, my heart just yield
Overwhelmed, I just surrendered
Simply, just stop trying so hard
To just believe You really love so much

However deep the wounds are,
Your love is deeper.
Whatever Man has done in the past;
You more than compensate.

Really so hard to believe
You just want me to receive Your love
Truly feeling & believing I am Yours
Not just doing & serving with all my might.

Simply Trust

A long road
Constantly on the move
Till at times I forget
The reason of my being.

Barrenness and dirt surround
Knowing well for a purpose I'm called
Yet questions I feel in my heart
What can a little girl like me do?

You called and I obeyed
But how much a ripple can I make?
I have no answers, just a choice
Can I trust you and do as told?

Do I trust the Creator of Heaven and Earth
To know full well what He is doing
Or do I trust this measly little girl on the road
Who doesn't even know where to go.

By faith and love here I am
It's nothing much but all I am
To be a chess-piece of love and hope
Not understanding but simply trust.

Only He can satisfy

The many longings that we have and seek to satisfy through our interpersonal relationships are actually longings for something much bigger. They are natural longings and desires for our Creator, and only when we recognize that can we stop trying to quench these aches through other humans. No humans are good enough to be able to really satisfy us. People will disappoint. Nobody can know you to the extent that you desire. Leaders/mentors will not be able to give you the approval and pat on the head that you need, especially as you become older because you are perceived to have supposedly outgrown that.

Yet deep within us (at least for me), I long for another human being (not necessarily a partner, but just a good friend or mentor) who can know all that I have been through, most of my thoughts and emotions. We get a sense of childlike happiness when our superiors acknowledge our efforts and praise us for a job well done; disgruntled subtly when we do not get the approval. But recently I learnt that these longings are very real, and not wrong, because they are longings created in our nature, for God wants us to seek Him.

When we hope/expect other human beings to satisfy these desires in us, we will be disappointed. Nobody can know us as well as God. Nobody can be constantly with us except God. Nobody is capable enough to give us the attention and companionship for as long and deep as we desire. Nobody is strong enough to love so hard to be able to satisfy the our strong need for love. Nobody is perfect or saintly enough to really truly and honestly see all that we are and accept every bit of us. Nobody is patient enough to refuse to keep away and just keep forgiving and picking us up after our repeated failures/mistakes. No other approval or praise is sweet enough to satisfy the little child within all of us.

I struggled and prayed for release. But release only came I stop fighting and I see them for what they truly are and pray for God to satisfy. And released I am because they are satisfied.

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The unexplainable craving deep within
Driving me to actions I despise
Yet uncontrollable I am to me
Disgust and hatred I have for me

The many small acts that I do
For that approval or praise from higher up
Or the acceptance and acknowledge from those around
Yet never truly receiving or satisfying

The desire to just share it all
The need for someone to know me deep
Yet nobody can ever know to that extent
That quench the thirst and loneliness

Pray hard and long for God to come
To remove these aches in my heart
Deceitful and despicable I view them
To be shunned far and wide

God came and whispered to me
The desires are real and not sins at all
But the sources of satisfaction you have sought
Very wrong and cannot appease

In confusion I still my soul
In mediation I seek for light
And in the darkness I find the quest
A small still voice that says only He satisfies

With revelation I changed my sight
Not for elimination but for fulfillment
And with His presence He graced my thirsts
And in Him are all the approval, love, intimacy and acceptance that I need.

Stop resisting, and just call Me

Sun baring and wind blowing
Grind my teeth and keep moving on
Keep persevering and don't give up
This motto I chant through and loud

Yet my members just refuse
Continuously complaining and grunting all through
By will I tried to silent them all
But in truth I just succumb to the noise

Stumbling and limping
Worked hard to keep morale high
But a hard fall was just too much
Breath knocked out and tears just flowed

Brought to my knees I finally am
By sheer discipline I tried to stand
Labored on step by step
As I turned and saw you there

Every step was filled with tears
Every step was a big struggle
Yet my feelings and inclinations I can't deny
And all this while you just looked

A downward spiral I can't climb
Want to keep going but just no strength
Guilt and shame just overwhelm
But it's already my best what else is there?

Unable to go further as I crumble
Tempted to just throw the towel and give it up
Fighting the urge to run and hide
Then someone walked towards from afar

Without a word and just a note
Pressed into my hand and soon took off
Desperate for company yet he didn't stay
Alone again I once dismayed

A small thing, white and crisp
Disheartened, slowly I opened it
Neat and beautiful handwriting it just says
"When are you going to stop resisting and just give in?"

Confused I did not understand
I can't give up and let you down
I'm trying my best to conquer it all
Yet it's frustration you have showed

Not knowing what else but look at you
The you who is at the side
Our eyes met and my heart finally touched
Enlightened and encouraged by what you meant

On my knees then I just bowed
Hands trembling and tears pouring forth
Emotions a mess and mind a whirl
In this chaos I'm finally stopped

Lord I'm sorry for my stubbornness and frustrations it caused
Yes at this time I'll just stop resist
Give up trying so freaking hard
To overcome by my might
I simply can't do it by myself
So here I am, broken and unable to walk
My obstinacy, my pains and fears and deepest struggles
I surrender it all at the cross
Lord hear my cries and feel my aches
Help me! I need you!

Bared myself and empty it all
With watery eyes and a throbbing head
I lifted up and just looked up
And there you are, beside with smiles

"Finally my child, you have called.
You've tried too hard to do them all
This road is meant to be walked
By my strength and me by your side."

Heart of the father

For the first time in my life
The feelings of a father I finally felt
The unconditional love he freely gives
Together with the mix of emotions that he feels

The unspeakable pride that he feels
As a little being I learnt to step
The graduations of mine as I grew
Even the driving test I passed on first

How I could just melt his heart
As I say with all of mine
Daddy, I love you
And I trust you no matter what

Yet the pain that I have caused
As I slammed the door in his face
Walked out of the house with the words
I'll show you how it's you I do not need

Frustrations boiled as he wringed his hands
The stupid decisions I stubbornly make
Heeding no advice or any pleas
Nothing he can do to get me out

Worrying to no end as he sees
The bad company I have made
Refusing to leave despite the pains
Just continuously broken and badly used

Despite all that I have caused
The door was never locked
His arms always open whenever I turn
Tightly he embraces as I cry

The stars and creations are his to command
Yet he took all pains and grievances readily
Just to hear me say from within my soul
Heavenly Father, I love you so.

Un-doable by my might

Not the smartest
Not the natural leader
Not even the most compassionate
Yet the one chosen to lead

Such grace and such honor
Yet so heavy a burden
No way it can be done
Without the might of God

So here now I pray
Lord never let me forget
I can't do it without You
Lest by my pride they fall apart.

Christ alone understands

In the darkest of nights
When all seem deserted and cold
Can anyone hear the wrenching cry
The pains and tears of a lonely soul

With people and yet I'm not
Reached out but none held on
Why can't anybody understand
Why am I so alone in the dark

Yet amidst the whimpers and sobs
A gentle still voice embraced
"It's okay my child...
You're not alone for I know."

Refusing to hear
Fervently shocked my head
"What do you understand?
How can you feel what I feel?"

The loneliness and ache for company
Patiently You showed me
You too felt the same
In the Garden of Gethsemane

Just wanting some to be there
You plead them to be awake
Yet three times all fell asleep
Alone you were in your sweat

The pains of rejection by ones close
Again patiently You showed
The time of trouble when all fled
Leaving You alone with the swords

Three times within hours You were disowned
By a beloved who once vouched
He'll rather die than reject you
Yet then he rather curse than call You friend

Spoke the truth but none believed
They were ones You grew up with
Yet out of town You were driven
Down the cliff they sought to throw

What about the fears and stress
The anxiety that suffocates
From deep within without control
Seemingly consuming and rupturing me through

Yes again You understand all
Once more back to the Garden as You showed
Too a human in much agony and stress
So much that Your vessels dilate and sweat turned red

Bewildered yet consoled
In tears and pains yet in Your arms
Don't need the world for You are enough
So much You loved that You came down
Not just to die in exchange
But to feel them all to cry with me.

Restlessness with no peace

Standing at the fork
Back turned, eyes to the past
Obstacles there have been
But a straight road it always been.

Journey was simple
Just keep walking
Just keep pushing
No sudden turns, no major decisions.

Chills and anxiety
The unknown lies ahead
A seemingly fork
And a heavy fog that blinds the ways.

The one path I've always desired
Yet the one with heaviest toll
Am I capable of proving my worth
To take this highway that's my dream.

Another straight road the other is
Yet a very scary path it seems to me
My very heart rebels against it
But what if the choice is no longer mine.

Wanting to believe in my Purpose
But thousands "what-if" continue to flood
Constant restlessness with no peace
Oh God, grant me certainty into my dream.

Have to know it to feel it

It is only when you've pained, can you feel the fear of pain.
It is only when you've loved, can you feel the emotion of hate.
It is only when you've failed, can you feel gratitude of success.
It is only when you've fallen, can you feel the hunger to rise.
It is only when you've lost, can you feel the ability to release.
It is only when you've disappointed, can you feel the stress of uncertainty.

It is only when you've experienced, can you really understand what it truly means.