Restlessness with no peace

Standing at the fork
Back turned, eyes to the past
Obstacles there have been
But a straight road it always been.

Journey was simple
Just keep walking
Just keep pushing
No sudden turns, no major decisions.

Chills and anxiety
The unknown lies ahead
A seemingly fork
And a heavy fog that blinds the ways.

The one path I've always desired
Yet the one with heaviest toll
Am I capable of proving my worth
To take this highway that's my dream.

Another straight road the other is
Yet a very scary path it seems to me
My very heart rebels against it
But what if the choice is no longer mine.

Wanting to believe in my Purpose
But thousands "what-if" continue to flood
Constant restlessness with no peace
Oh God, grant me certainty into my dream.

Quote

"Love all, Trust a few, Do wrong by none."
- William Shakespeare


"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still."


"The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love, and to be greater than our suffering."


Albert Einstein asked, "The question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or the others crazy?"


"It has been said, 'Time heals all wounds'
I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time the mind protecting insanity, covers them in scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone."
- Rose Kennedy


"Sometimes what we don`t do is every bit as powerful as what we do."


"Let your heart feel for the affliction and distress of everyone."
- George Washington


"Within the core of each of us is the child we once were. This child constitutes the foundation of what we have become, who we are, and what we will be."
Neuroscientist Dr. R. Joseph

How do you know?

During one of my karate classes, one of the dojo kids pointed to the sky, and said that's a satellite.

I asked, "how do you know"?
He said, "it's not blinking. So it's a satellite."
"Why must a satellite not blink? Maybe it's a planet or a plane?"
"Only satellite doesn't blink."
"And how do you know? Planes in the sky also doesn't blink. Why must a star blink?"
"Even my teacher says that's a satellite."
"And how do you know your teacher is right?"
"She's a teacher."
"Maybe your teacher is wrong?"

And he chose to ignore me, in utter frustration. Ah... the mind of a ten year old boy. Hehe.

Food for relationships

Sometimes, I really don't understand some people. Well, I do, yet I don't.

This is especially true for the young people today. They are forever complaining that their familial relationships are bad, relationship with mothers are bad, mothers don't understand them etc. I get really annoyed at times, because most of the time, they're just wallowing in self-pity, and not doing anything about it at all.

Relationships take time and constant efforts to nurture & maintain. How to have good relationships when the kid takes the 'home' as a hotel, the mother as a free maid who washes his/her clothes & gives pocket money. And when the kid is finally home, he/she shuts him/herself in the room, on internet, rather talking *virtually* with friends rather than face-to-face with parents. Then come and whine about bad relationships with the mother. How much time have you taken to understand your parents? To just take the time, and sit down for an hour everyday with her to watch the television. There doesn't even need to be conversations. Sure. Suggest that to the kid, and he/she will loudly declare it'll never work, without even trying. Or claim that it has been tried, when in reality, he/she only did it once or twice without maintaining the efforts. Such lack of determination and perseverance to make things better, and yet forever complaining like he/she is the worst off in the universe. If that's not self pity, what is?

"Honor thy parents". I wonder if people even truly know what it means. "Yah I honor them but I can't stand them". Forget it. To honor is to respect, to obey, to take the time to be with them, to appreciate them, to love them. Sure there are definitely issues you don't agree with. But to honor means not to argue and shout over those disagreements, but to talk it out in harmony. To take things slow and slowly talk you way through, to let them understand your point of view. But it's also about not being so egoistic that it's only your point of view that matters.

Many a times, in church sermons, pastors will always talk about the need to be proactive if you want to have good relationships. And some kids go, "why me? Why not them first?" Geez. What they expecting? Parents to pamper them and grovel so that they can have a good relationship with their parents? That's outright arrogance and egoism. Why should we be proactive? Simply because it matters enough, and the relationship comes first before our pride. Frankly, pride isn't really worth much, but people hold on to it like it's sacred. Why me? Because I honor my parents to give them this leeway, to take this first step and to maintain the steps.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood. So many times, people keep going "nobody understand me! They don't understand me! How can i make them understand me!" Notice the "me me me"? It's very common among adolescences, but some people just never grow out of it. They blame others for not understanding them. Yet they don't try to understand the others' point of view. "Sure I understand!" Yah right. They don't truly understand, they just think they understand, when in fact they're still looking at things from their point of view.

I wonder, without instand messenging and telephones, will familial relationships be relatively better? At least at home, they're forced to just chill with their family members.

Growing

Aging is a very scary process. Not aging as in 'aging', but just advancing and progressing in Life.

Have to know it to feel it

It is only when you've pained, can you feel the fear of pain.
It is only when you've loved, can you feel the emotion of hate.
It is only when you've failed, can you feel gratitude of success.
It is only when you've fallen, can you feel the hunger to rise.
It is only when you've lost, can you feel the ability to release.
It is only when you've disappointed, can you feel the stress of uncertainty.

It is only when you've experienced, can you really understand what it truly means.

Rat Training to Destress?

Perhaps training my rat to turn around, and to walk on 2 legs, can help take my mind off the many things, and give me a sense of achievement??

Hmm... Sure need some affirmation and confidence that I will get my dream.

Sigh.

Nothing kills as painfully as uncertainty.

Life is not a road, but a boat.

Life has always been described as a journey on a road, but I beg to differ. Recent events have shown me that life is not akin to a road journey, but sailing a boat.

When you're on the road, if you stop moving, you stop moving. Even though stopping may increase distances between yourself and other people who are also on the journey, the idea is that you can start moving again from the same absolute spot where you stopped. That is so not true.

Life's like sailing a boat because your intention to stop does not mean that you are immobile. Your stoppage means that you release your control to the will of the waves and winds. Perhaps even describing life to sailing a boat is incomplete. To be exact, it's like sailing a boat without anchor. Thus, there's no way you can stay at that single spot. Even if you're not doing anything and just daydreaming your time away, the waves will pay no attention nor respect to your intention. You'll simply drift wherever the waves take you. If you're lucky, the waves haven't been strong enough to bring you far from your course, and you're still near the spot where you stopped. If you're unlucky, or you've been out for too long, you'll be so off-course that it'll take considerable time and efforts to get back, if that's even possible. Worse, you'll realize that you're so close to collision that you can only face it with despair and regret.

At times, life is like sailing in the ocean without a compass. That's really scary, because there's no sense of direction. Perhaps you have a destination in mind, but no idea how to proceed. Then it's so easy to simply let go and let the waves take you wherever it wants to. You may think that it's not that bad an idea since you do not have a direction in mind. But the waves may simply bring you to the rocks, and you will not be alert enough to prevent a dreadful collision.

Worsening the situation is a thick fog. Now, not only do you not know where to go, you know not what will come your way. Sigh. A goal in mind, but no direction and no sight. Only thing to do is to remain vigilant, perverse and keep going. Anything is better than letting the waves take you into the rocks. Sooner or later, the fog will clear, and familiar landmarks will appear for you to navigate to your goal. Even if you have ended up further from it, at least you're not drowning among the rocks. It's a matter of time and stamina till you get to your island.

Ultimate fear and sadness

This shall be my first post that mentions anything relating to my faith :P

At Service last Sunday, it was the first time I cried that hard during end worship. Tearing was a norm, but to sob, that's something new. It was really an experience like no other.

Can feel the Father embracing me in His arms. He's really the only one who truly understands... the passion & love I have for humankind, the sadness I feel for them when I see infighting or totally unnecessary political conflicts. Can feel Him embracing me, feeling exactly the same way as I feel, and giving me the quiet comfort like nobody else can give. I've never let these feelings out. I didn't even know how intense they were till that day.

As these feelings poured forth, with them also came my ultimate fears. I realized that there's really nothing more I fear losing than losing my Way, my Destiny, my Calling. I'm so afraid that I'll take the wrong path that's not my calling. Before this, I feel that I think I know where I should go, and yet I'm not sure. If I lose my calling, there's really nothing I have left. In His embrace, He comforted and reassured me to just be brave and go with my faith, for He'll always be there, and as long as I remain vigilant and faithful, I won't stray too far.

Emotions, my boon and my bane. Yet that Service reminds me never to let my heart turn cold & cynical, no matter how much pain, sadness & helplessness I feel. I share the Father's love, passion and also helplessness and sadness for humankind. Only He truly understands these feelings of mine. Everybody I made mention to about this, they gave me a funny look, and just say "sad for what? Just ignore lor." They just don't get it.

It doesn't matter if the world betrays. Doesn't matter if the world doesn't understand. As long as my conscience is clear, my passions true, my faith strong, the Father will always be there with open arms. I do not fear Him. But I fear disappointing Him, for I love Him so so so much.

The Brain