So many times, we catch ourselves saying, "If only...". All the regrets... All the "if only"s... Time move on, and can never be turned back. Even with very modern physics, all the research into time travel, Einstein's theory, all point to the same thing - Time can only move forward, never backwards. Even with the so-called time travel, it is only possible to travel to the future, never back.
But so many have thoughts and wishes of "if only I can turn back time". There's no decent person without regrets, or without guilt. Since young, I had the thought that, if some genius can invent a time machine that allows a person to turn back time, he/she will be the richest and most well known person in history. As I grew more experienced, now I realised, a machine like that will only destroy the world and all of humanity.
What will you do if you know that you can turn back time, and change what you've done? Tempting. At least you can do something about the pain, the guilt, the "if only...". But think further, what will that do to humanity's psyche? Throw caution to the wind, since mistakes can be changed. No regrets to make us treasure whatever is left.
Confucius said, there's no man without regrets. Learn to accept the past, accept the regret as a part of you, a part of your past, learn, and move on. What's past is past. Don't bring the past into the present and the future.
God forgives all who repents. But many times, what is harder is for us to forgive ourselves. I know God forgives me for all I've done, for my imperfection, clumsiness, stupidity, impulsiveness etc. The people I have hurt at one time or another, unintentionally or otherwise, may have forgiven and even forgotten. But I still remember. And I still hurt. And I still cannot forgive myself for so many pasts.
In such melancholic times, still haunted by the many "if only...".
Dec 11, 2007
Dec 9, 2007
Ice Cold Exterior
Been reflecting, observing and realising that my emotional management is gonna offend a lot of people who do not understand.
It's only recently that I realised, the more emotions I feel, the more cold I appear to be. By nature, I'm a very emotional person, plus the fact that I "feel" people's emotions easily. And God knows when, I've learnt to build a solid wall to dam my emotions. I realised that this is something innate in my mum as well.
I remember years ago when my sis had an accident and a serious head injury. There were no tears, no hysterics, no commotion from either myself or my mum. Both of us appeared cold (or calm), systematic and quiet. Even when the operation were much much much longer than expected, both of us were just sitting at Starbucks reading newspaper. It's not that we did not care or were not worried. The thing is, we're so concerned that we just appeared emotionless.
I remember the time when A were in ICU after the bike accident. This was one incident when my "coldness" almost brought about a very major quarrel. I remembered when I first received the news over phone, the first thing that came to my mind was shock, then extreme anger. I was so worried that I was very angry at him getting into accident. Throughout the few days, I guess I appeared emotionless, just going through the motions of being there for a friend. There was misunderstanding that I was totally unconcerned, totally uncaring. Nobody knew how much fear, worries and concerns I had welling in me. The shock and panick I was feeling, as the doctor went about describing what was going on in his head with all his medical jargons. God! I wish I did not take BioPsych. I understood all the terms he used, and worse, I knew exactly what those brain parts do and how crucial they are. This was one time I realised what a curse knowledge can bring sometimes. The only time this cold exterior wall of mine crumbled was when the doctor announced it would be his last night. Until then, no tears, no emotions shown.
It's not just the sad moments. I remember when ZH, ZM and gang gave me a jacket for my birthday. I was totally touched and happy. It was one of the few birthday presents I received in my 22 years. But... I don't know. I didn't know how to act. I hope I didn't hurt them by my seemingly untouched reaction. Took me a semesterto get over the overwhelmed emotions and to wear the jacket. Before then, I did not bear to wear it, though they kept bugging me about it :P
Last night, saw LH so happy at her birthday party. I guess, if it were me, I'll probably feel as much as her, but appear emotionless again. Try as I might, whenever I get overwhelmed my emotions, the wall just came up. Recently, I received the comment that no matter what I said, my tone conveyed insincerity and defensiveness. I did not know what to say. In my mind, I was like, "if I were not sincere, I would not even have said what I said, or made the efforts". The problem is, I was so worried and concerned that once again, I appeared to be just going through the motions.
It's not that I do not care. It's that I care too much, care so much that I appear that I do not care. Many times, I tried to remove that wall, but whenever I thought I did, actually I didn't. I still appeared to be just following norms and going through the motions. Sigh.
It's only recently that I realised, the more emotions I feel, the more cold I appear to be. By nature, I'm a very emotional person, plus the fact that I "feel" people's emotions easily. And God knows when, I've learnt to build a solid wall to dam my emotions. I realised that this is something innate in my mum as well.
I remember years ago when my sis had an accident and a serious head injury. There were no tears, no hysterics, no commotion from either myself or my mum. Both of us appeared cold (or calm), systematic and quiet. Even when the operation were much much much longer than expected, both of us were just sitting at Starbucks reading newspaper. It's not that we did not care or were not worried. The thing is, we're so concerned that we just appeared emotionless.
I remember the time when A were in ICU after the bike accident. This was one incident when my "coldness" almost brought about a very major quarrel. I remembered when I first received the news over phone, the first thing that came to my mind was shock, then extreme anger. I was so worried that I was very angry at him getting into accident. Throughout the few days, I guess I appeared emotionless, just going through the motions of being there for a friend. There was misunderstanding that I was totally unconcerned, totally uncaring. Nobody knew how much fear, worries and concerns I had welling in me. The shock and panick I was feeling, as the doctor went about describing what was going on in his head with all his medical jargons. God! I wish I did not take BioPsych. I understood all the terms he used, and worse, I knew exactly what those brain parts do and how crucial they are. This was one time I realised what a curse knowledge can bring sometimes. The only time this cold exterior wall of mine crumbled was when the doctor announced it would be his last night. Until then, no tears, no emotions shown.
It's not just the sad moments. I remember when ZH, ZM and gang gave me a jacket for my birthday. I was totally touched and happy. It was one of the few birthday presents I received in my 22 years. But... I don't know. I didn't know how to act. I hope I didn't hurt them by my seemingly untouched reaction. Took me a semesterto get over the overwhelmed emotions and to wear the jacket. Before then, I did not bear to wear it, though they kept bugging me about it :P
Last night, saw LH so happy at her birthday party. I guess, if it were me, I'll probably feel as much as her, but appear emotionless again. Try as I might, whenever I get overwhelmed my emotions, the wall just came up. Recently, I received the comment that no matter what I said, my tone conveyed insincerity and defensiveness. I did not know what to say. In my mind, I was like, "if I were not sincere, I would not even have said what I said, or made the efforts". The problem is, I was so worried and concerned that once again, I appeared to be just going through the motions.
It's not that I do not care. It's that I care too much, care so much that I appear that I do not care. Many times, I tried to remove that wall, but whenever I thought I did, actually I didn't. I still appeared to be just following norms and going through the motions. Sigh.
Nov 29, 2007
Porcupines
One winter, a group of porcupines wanted to cuddle together in a hole to keep warm. However, when they cuddle too close, they only end up hurting each other. Yet, if they're too far apart, they can't keep warm. After much tries, they finally managed to find a comfortable distance that allow them to keep warm, and yet not hurt each other.
Interpersonal relationships are like that. Everybody requires their space. Getting too close is usually the first step to getting alienated (so says Confucius's student). But the comfortable distance varies with individuals. It's not just a matter of how comfortable you are, but also what's the comfortable distance of the other party. Problems occur when they're different, and they often are.
How do you find out what's the distance, when it's invisible? Sometimes, unfortunately, it's really trial-and-error. The porcupines spiked each other, retreated, and try again. I guess, when such times come, it takes forgiveness, understanding, and cooperation, from all parties.
What happens when you have few friends? Burden increases on that few friends you have. It's probably something I know too well, and a lesson I never want to have to experience again. No matter how strong one's will is, at times, it takes resources to get something done. No matter how strong willed a person is, if he/she lacks the emotional resources, unknowingly, the comfortable distance will still be breached. No matter how much you want a wall of bricks not to fall, if you don't have cement, a strong wind comes, it'll still fall. It's really time for me to expand my emotional resources, and make that cement.
Always envy those who says they're going out with JC friends or sec sch friends. Because I don't have. My sis always hear me jokingly whine, that I'm deprived of teenhood. Only now then I realise the importance of a proper (even wild) adolescence. It is a time where you learn the rules of interpersonal relationships. A time where you find interpersonal relationships. Things that many of my peers take as a norm, I actually have to start learning them now, either by observing or by mistakes and pain. The price I still have to pay now, for having depression then for so many years.
Interpersonal relationships are like that. Everybody requires their space. Getting too close is usually the first step to getting alienated (so says Confucius's student). But the comfortable distance varies with individuals. It's not just a matter of how comfortable you are, but also what's the comfortable distance of the other party. Problems occur when they're different, and they often are.
How do you find out what's the distance, when it's invisible? Sometimes, unfortunately, it's really trial-and-error. The porcupines spiked each other, retreated, and try again. I guess, when such times come, it takes forgiveness, understanding, and cooperation, from all parties.
What happens when you have few friends? Burden increases on that few friends you have. It's probably something I know too well, and a lesson I never want to have to experience again. No matter how strong one's will is, at times, it takes resources to get something done. No matter how strong willed a person is, if he/she lacks the emotional resources, unknowingly, the comfortable distance will still be breached. No matter how much you want a wall of bricks not to fall, if you don't have cement, a strong wind comes, it'll still fall. It's really time for me to expand my emotional resources, and make that cement.
Always envy those who says they're going out with JC friends or sec sch friends. Because I don't have. My sis always hear me jokingly whine, that I'm deprived of teenhood. Only now then I realise the importance of a proper (even wild) adolescence. It is a time where you learn the rules of interpersonal relationships. A time where you find interpersonal relationships. Things that many of my peers take as a norm, I actually have to start learning them now, either by observing or by mistakes and pain. The price I still have to pay now, for having depression then for so many years.
Nov 28, 2007
True Passion
There are some things that can never ever be taught. You have to experience it yourself to really understand. Else, you'll just stay at the stage of "thinking that you know, but actually you don't".
Only finally understood what's passion all about, when I did the clinical psy report. In the past, I could never understand why some can get such joy and thrill from photoshoots, even if it's a paid job. No matter how I tried, to me, it's still a job, a duty. At most I can feel is, "it's not bad", and not that deep sense of fulfillment or fun.
Finally felt that feeling when doing the psychopath report. It was tough. 4 very different books, 101 contradicting researches, unconfirmed speculations etc. But I enjoyed every minute, every second of the research process. The more I read, the more I want to find out more. Never felt that hunger and thirst for a very very long time. When doing the presentation, had the usual public speaking nervousness. But there's another feeling that I've never felt before. There's a sense of thrill. I really wanted to share what I learnt, what I know. A supposed 20minutes presentation turned into 45minutes (ok, some claimed it's one hour). But it felt like 10minutes to me.
After experiencing that feeling, I finally understood what is the meaning of "true passion". Was reading something just now, that had the sentence, "you need to more than 'like it'. You must really have passion for it". I totally understood what the author meant. True passion isn't something that can be cultivated. It's either in you, or not in you. You can't force it. Forcing will only be self-deceiving. But it takes experience to confirm/discover your passion.
Many people often mistaken 'liking' as 'passionate'. I was once like that too. I thought I have passion for photography. But now I realise, I only like it. But if I tell this to my photography friends, some of them will frown and disapprove. They just don't get it. Not passionate about it doesn't mean I won't work hard at it. But it's not something I can dedicate my heart and soul to. I can dedicate my time and efforts, but not my soul. But I still want to be good at it. Really appreciates that K understood this, and not judge harshly or misunderstand, when I said that I'm just lack the passion for photography. But some just don't understand why I'm not constantly out shooting, when it's supposedly my interest.
Feeling the sense of passion really fuelled my determination and spirit. I'm finally clear on what I want to work towards. No matter how many obstacles there are, how many times I fall, as long as I remain focused on that end goal, on my true passion, on that feeling, I will reach it one day. It's just a matter of time.
What's sad is not not-knowing what's your passion. Many people lead content lives liking a lot of things, though not passionate on any single thing. They live and are warm towards everything. Their lives are still full of purpose, full of drive and fun.
What's sad is people who thinks that they're passionate about something, only to find out that they are only at the level of liking it after dedicating half a lifetime to it. Worse is if, because of this, they lose the spirit and will, losing the focus, and become a living dead. Woe to the person and the world.
Only finally understood what's passion all about, when I did the clinical psy report. In the past, I could never understand why some can get such joy and thrill from photoshoots, even if it's a paid job. No matter how I tried, to me, it's still a job, a duty. At most I can feel is, "it's not bad", and not that deep sense of fulfillment or fun.
Finally felt that feeling when doing the psychopath report. It was tough. 4 very different books, 101 contradicting researches, unconfirmed speculations etc. But I enjoyed every minute, every second of the research process. The more I read, the more I want to find out more. Never felt that hunger and thirst for a very very long time. When doing the presentation, had the usual public speaking nervousness. But there's another feeling that I've never felt before. There's a sense of thrill. I really wanted to share what I learnt, what I know. A supposed 20minutes presentation turned into 45minutes (ok, some claimed it's one hour). But it felt like 10minutes to me.
After experiencing that feeling, I finally understood what is the meaning of "true passion". Was reading something just now, that had the sentence, "you need to more than 'like it'. You must really have passion for it". I totally understood what the author meant. True passion isn't something that can be cultivated. It's either in you, or not in you. You can't force it. Forcing will only be self-deceiving. But it takes experience to confirm/discover your passion.
Many people often mistaken 'liking' as 'passionate'. I was once like that too. I thought I have passion for photography. But now I realise, I only like it. But if I tell this to my photography friends, some of them will frown and disapprove. They just don't get it. Not passionate about it doesn't mean I won't work hard at it. But it's not something I can dedicate my heart and soul to. I can dedicate my time and efforts, but not my soul. But I still want to be good at it. Really appreciates that K understood this, and not judge harshly or misunderstand, when I said that I'm just lack the passion for photography. But some just don't understand why I'm not constantly out shooting, when it's supposedly my interest.
Feeling the sense of passion really fuelled my determination and spirit. I'm finally clear on what I want to work towards. No matter how many obstacles there are, how many times I fall, as long as I remain focused on that end goal, on my true passion, on that feeling, I will reach it one day. It's just a matter of time.
What's sad is not not-knowing what's your passion. Many people lead content lives liking a lot of things, though not passionate on any single thing. They live and are warm towards everything. Their lives are still full of purpose, full of drive and fun.
What's sad is people who thinks that they're passionate about something, only to find out that they are only at the level of liking it after dedicating half a lifetime to it. Worse is if, because of this, they lose the spirit and will, losing the focus, and become a living dead. Woe to the person and the world.
Nov 27, 2007
Goju Ryu Karate
The mind is one with Heaven & Earth
The Circulatory rhythm of the body is similar to the cycle of the Sun & the Moon
The way of inhaling & exhaling is hardness and softness
Act in accordance with time and change
Techniques will occur in the absence of conscious thought
The feet must advance & retreat, separate & meet
The eye do not miss even the slightest change
The ears listen well in all directions
The Circulatory rhythm of the body is similar to the cycle of the Sun & the Moon
The way of inhaling & exhaling is hardness and softness
Act in accordance with time and change
Techniques will occur in the absence of conscious thought
The feet must advance & retreat, separate & meet
The eye do not miss even the slightest change
The ears listen well in all directions
Nov 20, 2007
Resilience again
Were talking to K last night about my previous post - denial and resilience.
He mentioned about denial should not be associated with resilience, because resilience comes with acceptance. Only with acceptance can you cope better with the next fall. Denial doesn't help you cope better. You'll just repeat history.
Kinda make me recall what my PM lecturer mentioned. It's not about thinking positive, but thinking realistically. I asked him, what if you really feel very very sad about losing a competition, and no matter how you try to think positive, you can't. Then he mentioned about the misconception. It's natural to feel sad. Give yourself 1 day, or even 1 week to mop over it. Sob and cry. You're only human. But there has to be a limit. It's to think realistically. Realistically, it's not the end of the world. There is always another competition. And realistically, you did learn something from the competition, an experience.
Thinking realistically is accepting that the bad thing has happened. And maybe it's really bad. But there are always alternatives. Life never close a door on you, without opening another door. Maybe it's not as good as your first choice, but if it still get you to, or at least close to, what you want, why give it up for a past that cannot be changed?
He mentioned about denial should not be associated with resilience, because resilience comes with acceptance. Only with acceptance can you cope better with the next fall. Denial doesn't help you cope better. You'll just repeat history.
Kinda make me recall what my PM lecturer mentioned. It's not about thinking positive, but thinking realistically. I asked him, what if you really feel very very sad about losing a competition, and no matter how you try to think positive, you can't. Then he mentioned about the misconception. It's natural to feel sad. Give yourself 1 day, or even 1 week to mop over it. Sob and cry. You're only human. But there has to be a limit. It's to think realistically. Realistically, it's not the end of the world. There is always another competition. And realistically, you did learn something from the competition, an experience.
Thinking realistically is accepting that the bad thing has happened. And maybe it's really bad. But there are always alternatives. Life never close a door on you, without opening another door. Maybe it's not as good as your first choice, but if it still get you to, or at least close to, what you want, why give it up for a past that cannot be changed?
Nov 18, 2007
Resilience
That seems to be THE word everywhere you go. People always talk about the importance of having resilience, etc etc.
And yet, the things people do to be resilient in times of hardships, the same people who harped on resilience disagree with what is done. For e.g., one quote from our Psychology tee-shirt is, "You call it denial. I call it resilience." Most frown on denial. But sometimes, denial is necessary for resilience. At least right at the start. That's why the first stage of the grief cycle is "denial". Because the mind and soul needs time to accept the bad news. It's a form of self-defense. So to deny so that you won't collapse, is that good or bad?
One of my fav quotes from my prof, "Resilience isn't about doing well when you fall. It's about doing better." and from Confucius, "It's not about not falling, but how you pick yourself up after you fall". Right now, to prevent myself from getting overwhelmed by negativity, I had to force myself to focus on my goals, and not the present. Though I'm afraid of what lies ahead, or that I cannot reach there, I keep telling myself to have faith, take things as they come.
I want to believe that, there's nothing that drastic that'll happen such that I'll forever be stuck. It's a matter of how much I want to achieve my goals, and to find alternatives if necessary. It's just a matter of sooner or later. What's important is I do not lose sight of it. To keep on moving despite the fear and worries in me. To keep moving forward despite the regrets in my past.
Confucius, and also according to Personal Mastery, says, who doesn't have regrets. Who doesn't make mistakes? Who hasn't hurt other people? What's important is, those are already done and over. Accept the regrets, guilt and sadness. Then move on. Accept that I screwed, that I made bad decisions, that I've hurt people I love. Do what I can because it's my obligations. But don't be so obsessed with it, move on. I do not dare to hope. I don't even want to think or feel. I just do.
And yet, the things people do to be resilient in times of hardships, the same people who harped on resilience disagree with what is done. For e.g., one quote from our Psychology tee-shirt is, "You call it denial. I call it resilience." Most frown on denial. But sometimes, denial is necessary for resilience. At least right at the start. That's why the first stage of the grief cycle is "denial". Because the mind and soul needs time to accept the bad news. It's a form of self-defense. So to deny so that you won't collapse, is that good or bad?
One of my fav quotes from my prof, "Resilience isn't about doing well when you fall. It's about doing better." and from Confucius, "It's not about not falling, but how you pick yourself up after you fall". Right now, to prevent myself from getting overwhelmed by negativity, I had to force myself to focus on my goals, and not the present. Though I'm afraid of what lies ahead, or that I cannot reach there, I keep telling myself to have faith, take things as they come.
I want to believe that, there's nothing that drastic that'll happen such that I'll forever be stuck. It's a matter of how much I want to achieve my goals, and to find alternatives if necessary. It's just a matter of sooner or later. What's important is I do not lose sight of it. To keep on moving despite the fear and worries in me. To keep moving forward despite the regrets in my past.
Confucius, and also according to Personal Mastery, says, who doesn't have regrets. Who doesn't make mistakes? Who hasn't hurt other people? What's important is, those are already done and over. Accept the regrets, guilt and sadness. Then move on. Accept that I screwed, that I made bad decisions, that I've hurt people I love. Do what I can because it's my obligations. But don't be so obsessed with it, move on. I do not dare to hope. I don't even want to think or feel. I just do.
Nov 17, 2007
Finally... a blog
Was talking to my sister over MSN, and decided I should start a blog. Just a place for me to sort out my thoughts, and share with whoever is interested enough to read.
Her warning: Don't start a blog in hope that people will read. But do it as a means to reflect, and get things outta your head.
Her warning: Don't start a blog in hope that people will read. But do it as a means to reflect, and get things outta your head.
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